by L. Lois
Trust Swept Away Briskly (or Utter Emotional Gutting Without Healing Likely)
I look to the blue
tight as a drum
heavy vultures slipping forward
circling over death
the imperial secret
is the same
daylight looks calm and rational
private agonies hide deep within
I chide myself
it can't be helped
ordered silence is essential
waylaying chaos
stop thinking about it
I must stop thinking about it
the seeds of disillusionment
were planted in decay
yet the slumber
of reason
begets
these monsters over and over
I founded an arts sanctuary
today, I can't remember it at all
***
on a sunny afternoon
I'm talking awkwardly
it's getting worse
silence is preferable even with friends
passing perimenopause
until the adder strikes
a man on a bicycle stopped
behind where we walked
he called my name
my name
I stared back at this stranger
dismounting, he struck his stand
stepping forward, looking again
I saw my father's face
my first cousin
after twenty-five years
he said my aunt
is ninety-four
he was sorry about my dad
covering my mouth, my survival was unlikely
shadows of vultures
folded across the ground
I fumbled and asked where he lives now
not here
but he noticed me
strolling by with friends calling my name
his arms stretched wide
I hugged the man I never knew
this family I shudder to think of
not him, but everything I lost
years ago I hid in my cave
carved for self-protection
tears gushed
through memories
I didn't know he was sick
never didn't know
my cousin said they
helped dad's wife sit vigil towards the end
turning away seconds before suffocating
snapped back to the path
my disparate chosen family
waiting
birthed so easily into arms
as if I would always
throw myself
unprotected
Difficulties & Resolutions
a found poem from “Any Person is the Only Self” by Elisa Gabbert
last night, I dreamt I was late to catch a plane
late to pack up camp
late to drive a stubborn car
but they were with me
they were talking to me
we were reunited by some progression of the clock
breath was never so cruel
I woke
read Gabbert on Proust
how Czapski took in the same
indifference to death
not the same as indifference
to life
not the same as caring about life
not the same
with you, there could be no loss of luminescence
existence was joy
us, together again
death's threat faded to nothing
no more dark corners and dead ends
when we get there, we take off together
happy
but check-in could have started at noon
or 1530 or maybe 2200
driving slow, I pretended I didn't care
if waking is closest to living
death would be this dream
us, together
happy
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