I breathe human through my fingers. Am otherwise thin eyed and patient,
reading existence as a brush of listless wind.
The tongue of creation may translate my hungers and a dull vicious calm.
Many hours I cannot sense what draws me and persist then in echoes.
I walk into the tide searching death and tangle my organs in
deep morning cold excavations cutting under my animal agenda and heart.
My lungs are strong and mind ties a needle taut north on goal
until the heart attack afternoon or a drowning.
Inside I am mostly heavy static, but create and feel I should,
should anything because the clear world whirls madness.
The god of goodness innate has been shredded,
never stood whole but there are traces she touched and I may be some.
Become shaking moments and desperation. I wish for anything in the world.
Since living in Seattle these nine months I have learned
that I do not love nature as once thought I could.
Despite a brief wash of euphoric solidarity,
it is not possible for me to love the world and all its passengers.
I shall never relinquish that hope for love,
even unfeeling in the midst of beauty and truth.
I'll acknowledge and perhaps reach there slowly.
I have confused myself with doubts on the emptiness of total meaning.
Whether my path is ineffectual compared against
what justice I might sew if my strengths were applied elsewhere.
I convince myself with fear and escapefulness of
there is no pure good. No option only to heal or live as a clean breath in smoke.
Any pursuit is equal shoutings against a clamped palm
until the ocean floats over your stunned and naked body.
And I feel nothing. Mumbling with my slit-up shins in the brine and
stars clatter overhead like spoons in a shutting drawer. Our Earth is
the shadow of an insect lost on paper white fields, so minuscule and
wandering pangs of connection or knotted in violence hunger
Rats Alice Trujillo is a grocery store worker, queer social dissident, and esoteric multimedia artist. They are active around Seattle and their writings appear sporadically in print and digital. Between writing and other work they arrange and perform leftfield electronic music as 'Uncanny Dandelions'. Rats recommends mutual aid over charity, but a group in need of funds is From The Heart PNW. They accept support through their venmo account @fromtheheartpnw.