Holy Crap

Excerpt from an interview with renowned trial attorney, Ms. KMG, now available on YourTube.

Where did you ever pick up that phrase, a nice girl like you?

Watch it, Missy. I’m not so nice, and it’s been a long time since I was a girl.

All right. So where? Why?

You know where I grew up. The Big Apple. Amsterdam Avenue. Just south of Harlem. Back then, if Holy Shit passed my lips, the nuns would whack me on the backs of my legs with their 18” wooden rulers. But for some reason, saying Holy Crap was okay. They’d even laugh behind their hands once in a while when I let it loose in class. Like when Sister Alexandra explained compound fractions, and I said to myself, out freakin’ loud, “Holy Crap Sister, I finally get it!” Or when they announced that the second Tower came down, and I couldn’t hold in my “Holy Crap, we’re being attacked!” Well, they didn’t laugh after that last one.

Where did you first hear the phrase?

Oh, definitely at home. My dad cursed a lot, and there was no question that many of the words he said were not to be repeated. But my mom said Holy Crap all the time, so it seemed okay for us kids to imitate her. We never got slapped for saying it and, I gotta tell you, slapping was a pretty regular event in our house – whap, right across the kisser. You kind of tested the waters every now and then, like with Frig instead of Fuck, or Butt instead of Ass.

You’re reminding me of the old George Carlin routine on “The Seven Dirty Words”.

Yeah, he was right on when he said there were some words you could go to jail for if you used them in the wrong context, or the right one, depending on your perspective. Did you know you still can’t use those words on cable TV, but they’re okay on YouTube? Anyway, here we are, fresh from my release this morning. All for a few well-chosen Holy Craps which, by the way, were not mentioned in Carlin’s monologue.

Well, I think you’re the one who just mentioned context. Judge Myers did tell you if you said Holy Crap one more time she’d cite you, and she did. And then you couldn’t let it rest, so she remanded you to the pokey for three days.

She didn’t want to hear that even the former President of our United States got away with what he called “locker room talk” day in and day out. Maybe he even got elected because of it. Who knows? Anyway, I thought that since she’s one of those MAGA judges he appointed she’d see my side of things. But no. I don’t know what this country is coming to if a trial lawyer representing an American citizen can’t engage in free speech in an open court. It’s all just a big load of bull crap.

Okay, Kara. Thanks for your time. Glad to see you survived your jail time. Do you think there’s a lesson in what happened to you?

Are you kidding? Sales of my expose book on the Trump crowd titled, by the way, Holy Crap, have gone through the roof in the last three days. And I have The Honorable Judge Myers to thank for it.



Patricia Ann Bowen

Patricia Ann Bowen is the author of a medical time travel trilogy, a short story collection about people in challenging circumstances, and a serialized beach read. Her short stories have appeared in several anthologies and most recently in Mystery Tribune, Chamber Magazine, Idle Ink, and Commuterlit.com. She has taught short story writing, and she leads a critique group of short story writers for the Atlanta Writer’s Club. You can connect with her at www.patriciabowen.com. Patricia recommends the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation.


Edited for Unlikely by Jonathan Penton, Editor-in-Chief
Last revised on Monday, January 1, 2024 - 20:22