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letter

i had been hassled at work for leaving on time by my manager and left saying "well maybe if i show up tomorrow..."

i made pizzas and washed dishes and all my coworkers thought i spent my all my paychecks on drugs. i usually did. i was furious about something and hadnt smoked any weed so i went home and began chainsmoking in my small bedroom in my parents suburban home. my life is pathetic and i hate everyone in it. especially the person i loved. everyday i woke up thinking about this person and how much i hated them. i did drugs and admired my hatred like glass curves. i hated this person and threw pennies into peoples drinks and gnawed on peoples faces with my eyes because i hated him so much. i felt i had no body and my head was drunk, it stunk of smoke and reality was blurred in my drug maintained and induced euphoria. psychosis said my snickering coworker down at social services.

i had bitten a cockroach and had a spleen in the clouds above earth in my flying machine. i wrote a hateful patronizing letter (using chalkboard etiquette and loveletter slang like in high school cherry popping baubles). i sent it through email to the person i loved's girlfriend, and then showed it to a few friends. one was impressed and the other became infuriated and began spouting heavy metal lyrics at me. he hated my type and i hated my type. we had something in common.

the hateful letter

dear X0X0x0x0
i feel the need to open up to you, i feel very hurt inside, and i think the only way for some closure with my relationship with 8 is to send you this letter. this is not a letter from an angry rejected lover, but rather from someone who feels that he could silence his inner pain (and his complete and utter feelings of being used and taken by someone). The intention of this letter is not to ruin your relationship with 8, or any kind of insult towards you or everyone. In this letter i'll basically tell you many of the things that 8 has done to me that have made me feel degraded, used, and humiliated.
Please read this letter, its very important to me, and to you too i think, also, i need to write this and have someone read it in order for me to be able to let go and move on into adulthood, or other relationships. In this letter will also be some things about you and him that i think might need to be told to you. Im writing this letter because i feel we have very much in common with each other and i want to be on the level with you. Ill discuss with you everything I write here, and I hope it helps me, and hopefully you as well. please believe everything in the letter, as it as true as the sky.
The first time 8 and i were together sexually, we were both drunk. I performed on him, and afterwards he had given the impression that i had raped him (this was for the one purpose that he wouldnt have to admit to himself that he had been with another man. instead of admitting what he had done and treated me like a human, he accused me of that.) this accusation crushed me. It was 50% of the reason I was so depressed in high school. I loved 8 innocently and just wanted a relationship with him, but he would rather accuse me of rape (what if you were a young teenage boy who was not sexually experienced at all, and your first was called "rape" by the person you had it with...)

ghosts of christmas past
(my first sexual experience was with a 26 year old woman who had a kid and ive never spoken to her since, and i also feel she took advantage of me, so 8 in addition to her made me very depressed.)
later, after I had explained what had happened to him, he changed it to "taking advantage" of him, and then just gave up the whole lie after awhile
ill never get over that, it changed me, hurt me, and was horrible (i used to imagine he told girls that he was raped just so he could get in their pants...)
after this, the next time we were together was on a couch in my basement, and 6 was in the room. he might have noticed.(all high) either way i was accused of using them all for drugs and they kicked me out of their group. later on i suspected that this might have been because 6 thought i was queer and trying to have sex with 8, even though 8 wanted no part of it. this was untrue, but 8 let the lie go on so he could still be friends with them. after this i was alone for many months without any human contact.

8 has simply used me for everything i have
he takes and takes everything ive offered or had and has never given anything in return
i loved him as a friend, and as more, but he would never treat me as anything other than just some idiot he was using and abusing.
one of the last times we had sex, we had been on the bed doing foreplay things and he had said he wanted to fuck me, so i let him. (this was after i had gotten drunk, he helped with that) he fucked me like he was raping me and then crawled off, and didnt touch my dick the entire time. afterwards i asked him if he would get me off and he wouldnt. that was the first time i had had sex like that (anal...i was a virgin) and thats how it was. he fucked me until he got off then left me laying there and the refused to touch me. it was like a cruel joke. please understand how much this hurt me, and how much it left me feeling used...imagine if you were me, how would that make you feel?

hes cheated on you with 3-4 other people, possibly more
when hes around you, hes not acting like himself. hes interested in telling you whatever you want to hear just to keep you around
hes using you for whatever you have to give him, sex, your car, and money, and the fact that when hes with you his parents dont think hes gay
the only reason he hasnt left you is because you havent told him to leave
hes really abused your capacities, and it seems like every other word out of his mouth to you is a lie
he lies all the time, and if you talk to him about this letter, hell lie and say that none of it is true, or that im lying
im not
i think your better and smarter than what 8 can give you, and i constantly feel hes taking advantage of you in addition to constantly lying
i feel the same way about myself
he doesnt treat you like an equal, and you seem like his trophy rather than his girlfriend
how many times have you paid for his drugs and given him money

he often brags about how much he loves having sex with you, because youre a "virgin"

i want you to picture that your me
if 8 could treat you the hurtful way he treats me, he would
if you were me, hed be treating you like this, please understand that

when hes around you, like i said, he doesnt act like he usually does
it seems like he puts on a character
thats one of the reasons i feel so uncomfortable when the two of you are around me

when 8 brought you over that one night on XTC to have a threesome, i had felt like saying right there that you should break up with him...

what did 4 tell you about 8? theres a good chance he was probably right about a lot of it, and tttt wouldnt cheat on you and then laugh about it with his "best friend" that hes using and taking advantage of
it seems like everyone notices him using you and taking advantage of you but no one cares enough to say anything!!
please dont feel bad about all this, this letter isnt cruel, its only honest, and 8 isnt a bad person, he just hasnt grown out of his rock star phase yet
he has alienated me from my family as im sure he has done with yours
and i have no friends, and im very depressed and hurt, and i hate everybody, and its his fault, as well as mine
he treated me like i was some two dollar crack whore he could fuck whenever he wanted
he talks to me about all the things hes going to "get" from you in the future, money for drugs, a place to live, etc.
please stop listening to his lies...it hurts me and infuriates me to sit back and watch it... im only trying to help someone who i think is being hurt by someone they love and who doesnt love them back. if he did, why would he do all the things he does.
8 said many of the same things to you that he said to me
its all dishonest, and it means nothing. why cant he understand that? why cant he understand that he almost completely ruined my life and is effecting yours dramatically for the worse.
i hate to say this, but he is taking advantage, and you deserve better
he seems totally different when hes not around you, and i often think hes totally different when hes not around me. I feel hurt for having made myself live on his painful lies for so long, and im sure it hurts you too. I feel very kindred towards you because of our somewhat similar situations.
id be happy to talk about any of this letter with you, and i want to, so please talk to me about it. dont make any drastic changes in your life over this letter either. you should do what you feel is right. if you mention this to 8,this letter, hell say its all lies. anything to keep you where he wants you.
i think my relationship with him is over, and i feel like he skinned me alive and rolled me in salt. he hurt me horribly and i was no different than you. if you were me hed treat you like that.
please dont hate me over this ,i needed to tell you this. i want to help you not to be sad anymore, and to get more out of life then what 8 takes from you. listen to me please, and all the others who have probably said similar things to you about him.
last, 8 isnt a bad person, hes just young and needs to realize that he isnt a rock star. he cant hurt people and take advantage of them and then expect them to love him for it. it seems like you reward his mistreatment of you sometimes... but youre a smart person and youll get along fine and make good decisions in your life. i dont hate 8 and im not angry at him, i simply feel hurt and used up. I hope he hasnt ruined all my future relationships, and i also hope he hasnt ruined yours.
although lately hes been better to you and hasnt been cheating...and all those things i mentioned about him cheating happened mostly in the past

i hope it works out with you and him
this letter was written mostly for myself
thanks for listening

your good friend 3210

i had regretted sending it and then went to buy drugs
i came home and looked at my mail. the letter had been sent back to me, i had written the address incorrectly. a kiss.
writing to myself im ashamed. stoned and tired in the morning, i pondered if i would quit my job

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