Logged-In Public: The Sardine book must be come a movie.
"Who'll play the Sardine?" asked Joe T.
"Who'll play me?" asked Frank Weathers.
"We discussed this a while ago," said McNulty.
[I remember, IM's my Pun Pal, you were all disgusted it.]
L-I P: That was the television version of the Sardine Column. Wilfred Brimley was going to play Frank Weathers.
"And I had Warren Beatty," said Joe T.
"I don't want Brimley," said Frank.
Okay, okay, let's stops this now. You're getting ahead of yourselves. The column isn't well known. The book's not selling. There's no foundation for a movie audience.
"It's all about making the right pitch to the Hollywood types," said Frank.
[Life's a pitch.]
L-I P: Can't you make the Pun Pal stop punning?
No. Anyway, Frank, how can you sum up the Sardine in two or three sentences?
"Preferably less than that, Sard."
L-I P: Preferably all one syllable words. Their time is precious.
I couldn't pitch the book in less than one page.
L-I P: And, speaking from the public's perspective, we prefer a one-word title, but it doesn't have to be one syllable.
I wish I knew Welsh.
[So you can welsh on the movie deal.]
L-I P: "Young fish saves world with words."
How was the world in danger?
L-I P: Let the Hollywood suits figure that out later. If pressed, we'll say it was a malaise plaguing the world.
"Sard's the new Rocky," said Joe T.
"Sure. You're the underdog who broke into print and against all odds the column became popular. You fought your way to get recognition. You were the David who slew the Media Goliath."
I thought I was Rocky. But, that aside, my book is not cinematic. Has no continuity. Completely plotless.
L-I P: What about Pellatier trying to hunt you down? If that isn't plot, we don't know what is.
"It is a mystery film," said Frank. "Who really is the Sardine? You can film it black and white. Sardine noir."
Underdogs triumphing are not exactly the fare of film noir.
"Film the mystery part in black and white. And the underdog part in color."
Actually, I always liked the idea of the Sardine television series. Not much has to happen in a situation comedy.
"It could be another Seinfeld," said Frank.
L-I P: Joe T. has George Costanza qualities.
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you do," said Frank.
"You're a lot like Kramer," Joe retorted.
"You're just saying that because the L-I P thought you act like George."
L-I P: Joe has a point.
"Sard, you didn't model me on Kramer, did you?"
Of course I didn't. You're an original.
L-I P: What about "the man who would be Frank Weathers?"
What about him?
L-I P: Frank isn't that original if you modeled him after some guy who acts like Frank?
Well, Kramer had to be modeled after someone! The originality is in the transition from reality to the column.
"Television is crap," said McNulty. "I'm disappointed the Sardine has set his sights so low. You're no son of mine!"
You said I wasn't any son of yours before I didn't meet your expectations.
L-I P: The movie could have a subplot of a father rejecting his son.
"Rocky didn't have a father in the movie," said Joe.
"He could be like Luke Skywalker looking for his father," said Frank.
"Now I'm Darth Vader," said McNulty.
[You're forcing the issue, IM's the Pun Pal.]
May the force end this column.
Bob Castle is the author of A Sardine on Vacation. He has had two other books published this year: The End of Travel, a comic memoir and send up of traveling abroad (Triple Press) and Odd Pursuits, a collection of stories (Wild Child Publishing). He is regular writer for Bright Lights Film Journal and has over one hundred fifty stories, essays, and articles published. The first fifteen installments of his saga can be viewed at the old Unlikely Stories. Episodes One through Forty-Seven of A Sardine on Vacation (with five semi-canonical additional episodes) are also available in book form.