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Love, Sex and Strap-Ons

(Lights up on full stage, split in half, a bedroom on each side)

(Stage right: A man and woman in tight embrace. The man is William, WILL. The woman is THERESA.)

(Stage left: A man and woman in bed. The man is JAMES. The woman is CLAIRE. They're fucking like animals. Claire, grabbing the footboard, blocks the audience's view of James. She's howling like a cat in heat, literally. At one point, she lets out a deep feline growl.)

(Claire growls, stopping abruptly to cover her mouth as if she just swore for the first time in front of her mother. She moves her hand and smiles. She continues to moan in rhythm of James's banging from behind.)

(Dim lights SL)

(Will and Theresa share a tender moment. Without releasing her, Will says:)

WILL: I love you.

THERESA: I love you.

(Dim lights SR, lights up SL)

(A stupid grin has appeared on Claire's face. Tossing back her hair, she moves and we see James, a physically fit man in his late 20s. Tall and dominant, he grabs Claire's right hip and slaps her left. Her smile widens.)

CLAIRE: (moan)

JAMES: (stops in mid-slap) Shit!

CLAIRE: Wait, don't stop!

(She turns to face him.)

What's wrong?

JAMES: (Leaning over to grab phone) I forgot to call Theresa.

(He picks up the phone, Claire hangs it up.)


CLAIRE: Why are you thinking of her when you're fucking me?

JAMES: (without hesitation) You were growling like a cat, I remembered she wants a cat for Christmas, I remembered I didn't call her.

(He picks up the phone again. She hangs it up again.)

CLAIRE: I thought you liked it when I moaned.

JAMES: I do. (He beeps her nose) It just reminded me I have to call Theresa.

CLAIRE: (pouting) Well, hurry up. I'm still horny.

JAMES: (slaps Claire's ass as she moves away) You're always horny.

(as she stands, naked, next to the bed, she yanks on what looks like a dildo in James's crotch. He's wearing a strap-on.)

CLAIRE: Is that why you have to wear that thing?

JAMES: Fuck you.

CLAIRE: (leaning in to him and grinning) After your phone call.

(He dials.)

(Dim lights SL. In the darkness we hear:)

CLAIRE: I don't want a fucking cat.


(Lights up SR)

WILL: (pulling Theresa to face him) Are you sure James isn't coming by?

THERESA: He was supposed to call. He's probably off fucking Claire.

(Phone rings)

WILL: Maybe not.

THERESA: (picks up phone) Hello?

(Lights up SL)

JAMES: Hey baby.

THERESA: (voice becomes babyish) Hey handsome.

(Will and Claire roll eyes.)

JAMES: What are you doing? I want to come over.

(Claire climbs onto the bed and tweaks James's nipples from behind. He raises up on his knees.)

THERESA: Could you come over? I'm not doing anything.

(She smiles evilly at Will.)

(At this, Will drags her by the waist to the bed and starts taking her clothes off. Shoes first, then he unbuttons her blouse.)

JAMES: Okay. Oh, wait. Before I forget.

(Claire fondles James front behind. Will gropes Theresa, his hands wander all over her body. She smiles. Claire kisses up James's neck.)

I ran into Claire today.

(Theresa stops smiling. She moves away from Will instantly. Claire stops kissing James, but leaves her head where it is.)

She says you're not allowed to have a cat.

(Will tries to get Theresa back in bed. She slaps his hand away.)

THERESA: Why not?

JAMES: Landlord said no.

(Claire's hands are back in motion, moving towards James's hips.)

THERESA: (disgruntled) Mmm.

JAMES: But I wanted to buy you one.

(Claire unlatches on side of the strap-on. James glares at her and she smiles wickedly. Will sits, arms crossed. He throws a pillow at Theresa.)

THERESA: That's so sweet. You're such a cute little poopy face.

(Will throws more pillows. Theresa covers the phone and pulls it from her face.)

Knock it off.

(Claire goes for the other side of the strap on, but James claps his hand over it.)

What was that?

JAMES: Mosquito.

THERESA: In November?

JAMES: Uh, yeah. (moves phone from his face, but doesn't cover it.) (to Claire) Stop!

THERESA: What was that? JAMES: Nothing.I was just.

THERESA: Is someone there?

WILL: Yeah, Claire.

THERESA: (to Will, practically hisses) Hush!

JAMES: What?

THERESA: Nothing! Answer the question!

JAMES: No, who were you just talking to?



THERESA: Are you fucking Claire?

(At the shock, James's hand falls away and Claire grabs the strap-on. She shrieks in victory and runs around the room.)

I can hear her. Fine. I'm fucking Will. At least he has a real dick.

(She slams the phone down and turns to Will.)

Get over here.

(Lights dim SR.)

(James sits, complete with tightie whities, staring at the phone. Claire continues to skip gleefully around the room. She is now wearing the strap-on.)

JAMES: (distantly) She's fucking Will.

(Claire stops frolicking.)


JAMES: She's fucking Will.

CLAIRE: (grabbing the phone) That fucking bitch. (Dials.)

(Lights up SR.)

(Will's head at the footboard, he lays on his back. Theresa, under the blanket is visibly on top. He squeezes her breasts through the blanket.)

WILL: Oh yeah. (hips gyrating)

(phone rings)

Oh. (quicker)


Yeah. (quicker)

(answering machine picks up: This is Claire and Theresa. leave a message.BEEP!)

CLAIRE: You fucking cooze! I'll fucking kill you!

(dial tone)

WILL: (hips stop) Oh fuck.

(Lights dim SR.)

(Claire puts on her coat, grabs her clothes, mumbles to herself (bitch, Goddammit, son of a whore.))

JAMES: Maybe you're overreacting. You've said it yourself you don't love Will.

CLAIRE: This isn't about Will. It's the principle.

JAMES: Well, you're fucking me. Isn't that the same thing?

CLAIRE: No. It's not the same thing. (She turns to leave)

JAMES: What about us?

CLAIRE: There is no us. You're kinky. I'm a nympho. There's only so far we could've gone. Besides, I've changed diapers that saw more flesh than yours. (She leaves.)

JAMES: (looking at his crotch) Bitch.

(Lights dim SL. Lights up SR.)

(Will sits on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. Theresa sits next to him, hand on his knee.)

WILL: She's going to cut my balls off. I'm screwed. I'm so screwed.

THERESA: Listen to'll be okay. I'll talk to her. It's me she's mad at. Don't worry about it.

WILL: (looking at her, sniffly) Really?

THERESA: Yeah. For now, I think we should stop fucking.

WILL: What? Why?

THERESA: Well, Claire and James both know now. There's no risk of getting caught, which made it pretty sexy and seeing that you live with James and I live with Claire, it would make things terribly awkward.

WILL: I guess you're right. It was a good run.


(The door opens, Claire walks in, still wearing her coat.)

WILL: (crossing to her) Claire, I'm so sorry-

(She slaps him hard across the face.)

(stiffly) Right. I'll just let myself out. (exit)

(Quietly, from the other room, a door is heard closing.)

(Claire walks over to Theresa and they face each other, a foot apart.)

CLAIRE: I could hear you screaming over the phone.

THERESA: (flatly) Yeah?

CLAIRE: You got me so wet.

(She grabs Theresa by the back of the head and kisses her passionately.)

Guess what I got.

(Slowly, she opens her coat to reveal the strap-on.)

THERESA: (reaches in drawer to grab a vibrating dildo) First you, then me.

(Lights dim SR, lights up SL.)

(Will enters the bedroom. James looks up as he walks in.)

WILL: Claire dumped me.

JAMES: She stole my strap-on.

WILL: Sorry about Theresa.

JAMES: I'll just have to kick your ass.

WILL: I'll get the handcuffs. (quietly, as he turns away) Pencildick.

JAMES: What was that?

WILL: Nothing.


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