A Sardine on Vacation, Episode 6
Inexplicable Things
The Logged-In Public: Some things we just don't understand.
The Sardine wakes from a verbal nap. Was the L-I P soliciting his opinion?
L-I P: How can you be so down on people?
Spoke too soon.
L-I P: The stuff you wrote in the last column. Our tabloid cousins were on the phones to us all day. What's wrong with believing in Flying Saucers and Bigfoot?
I didn't realize your cousins owned computers. But I don't remember criticizing anyone.
L-I P: You implied it. Calling the tabloids, the things in them, the readers, "social excrement."
I didn't call the readers any such thing. I'm certain. Go back and read the sardine.
L-I P: You expect us to go back and read what we already know?
I wrote the damn thing, I know what I said.
L-I P: You should have tried to make sense of Bigfoot and the two-headed woman. There are so many things around that can't be explained--and your sarcasms aren't going to disprove anything.
I wasn't trying to disprove those things.
L-I P: You ever wonder how the pyramids got built? Or what happened to the continent of Atlantis? Or how Noah got all those animals onto the ark?
I'm sure those things have all been explained.
L-I P: Go ahead, Mr. Smart-Guy-on-Vacation, and explain them.
In the case of the latter two, they simply never existed. Now don't blow a gasket. Let me go no to say that for most things some plausible explanation can be offered. The pyramids, for example, were the work of people from outer space or were constructed by the Egyptians who had an unsuspected (by us) technical prowess.
L-I P: Most things, hunh? What about war? Why must humans kill each other on such a vast scale?
Probably the easiest thing to explain. I thought you were going to ask why individual people wouldn’t be nice to each other?
L-I P: Cannibalism is the most unthinkable thing on earth.
To your meat-and-potato minds, maybe. More than a few societies have practiced it. Large ones, like the Aztecs. It may be upsetting, but check out a few books on anthropology--and don't rush to the sex sections!
L-I P: Why do people smoke cigarettes?
Pleasure, pure pleasure.
L-I P: They know smoking kills them.
Part of the pleasure. I mean, the price of pure pleasure is an inclination toward death. On the other hand, cigarettes don't kill fast enough. Even four or five packs a day won't do the job quickly.
L-I P: Why should we keep guessing if you aren't going too seriously entertain our examples?
I was thinking about habitual actions. Actually, the cigarette example wasn't bad. Actions for which all rationales have eroded. Like saying "God bless you" when someone sneezes.
L-I P: We know, we know. The heart stops and. . . .
How do you know the heart stops when you sneeze?
L-I P: Well, uh, we were told. . .our parents told us, or. . .or we read it some- where. Anyway, that's what happens.
[The Sardine won't argue the point. They’ve offered an explanation.]
L-I P: Did you say something?
I was just thinking.
L-I P: What about serial killers?
More explanations about that than you want to deal with.
L-I P: The link between man and ape. Not Bigfoot. How human beings came into existence. How the Universe was created. The Big Crash.
One crowd gives God credit where credit is due. The evolutionists and physicists have something to say about the BIG BANG. In other words, somebody can answer your questions.
L-I P: This is frustrating. You want us to give up. We're catching on to you. We think you hate us.
That's not true.
L-I P: You'd give us a hint if you really liked us.
Do you have any other suggestions?
L-I P (different members all at once): The Edsel. New Coke. Punk Rock. The ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey. The Bermuda Triangle.
Look hard enough and you'll find an answer. Maybe not to your satisfaction, but an answer.
L-I P: You mean they fit our definition of the inexplicable but not yours.
All the disciplines--biology, chemistry, sociology, psychology, geology, theology, have removed most if not all things from the realm of inexplicable. The fewer things that can't be known in some way, either by the Book of Revelations or Quantum Physics, the better.
L-I P: Are you saying you didn't have anything in mind when you brought up this topic. We've been racking our brains for nothing. You nearly started a brawl among us.
I had a few in mind.
L-I P: Come on, the column will be coming to an end soon.
Okay. The first, and I'm not saying you or anyone else might not have an explanation, but I don't. I see it and every time I'm dumbstruck mentally. My mind blanks out. Yet, it fascinates me in a perverse way.
L-I P: Come on, don't dumb out on us now. We’re so close to knowing . . . .
The Sardine's essays, articles, and stories have appeared around the Internet in the last few years at 3 A.M., Facets, Eclectica magazine, Fiction Funhouse, The Fiction Warehouse, 5_trope, and several film journals. Who and what he is probably will be revealed at various points through the articles appearing at this site. If you want to reach him, his address is popesixtus@aol.com.