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i hadn't been doing so well, intolerable in appearance and temperament, my face was an entanglement, a collection of stupid miseries that leapt out of my eyes like icy fingers and traced across bodies slow and hardly like a mosquitoes, i couldn't get a job, my face was bruised from a kid with brass knuckles i had provoked while wandering restlessly around honk horn speech car 1130 pm or so, in addition to cut that i put on my own face during moments of severe anxiety, gashes on my pitiful arms self inflicted and from a bike falling apart while i was riding it away from a potential job. i wasn't as sure about the writing, endlessly motivated but couldn't get the words out, like dog paddling in mid air and my closest acquaintances which hadn't left me, there weren't many, found me antisocial and detached, impartial and hallucinating endlessly, immediately drawing a fog over any shade of colors social or otherwise, i am a strange presence feeling alienated and out of place. what the rest of the world seemed entranced and ensconced, i was disgusted and buried, i found no beauty beneath the downpour of 5 dollar muses that ran around melting in the sun, mentally people seemed amputated, all taking part in a strange dance i couldn't comprehend. mentally i'm amputated different. my daily life consisted of sneaking in and out of my parents house so i wouldn't have to sleep outside, avoiding them, sickly and hateful, disgusted down to the frayed bottoms of my last pair of pants strings hanging. i spent the days hiding in a small patch of woods and farms connected by about a 3 mile stretch of railroad. music all day, classical, faure, stravinsky, wagner, wanting something by lygeti, but out of matchsticks now wanted cigarette and weed shirtless and high .i had cheap beer and cigarettes, occasional sack of weed or rag crack rock if i was lucky or unlucky, reading celine under the tin roof of an abandoned train station junkyard now got caught taking a leak by a guy in a blue shirt waved embarrassed and went to hide in the bushes. my sex drive i had shut off by a medication. effexor. my energy was sapped, i was vacant and sexless, but i felt not violent anymore, except occasionally. i would curse and mutter banalities deeply opening my blot clots of sanity, burned myself with cigs, feeling sorry for myself and everyone and dead the rest of the time, like a side of beef, dialogue for sides of beef, perched somewhere amusing myself with smoke and music, felt like i was looked at as a whore, but really just disoriented and homeless my visage an apology to people for having to look at me, i eventually began to sleep outdoors. i used a bag of dirty diapers as my pillow and slept on a bed of broken glass metallic asses farting in the distance grunts and i am a transparent entity floating along drunk, drugged, high, holding some piece of garbage or semen encrusted blunt metal, i imagined everyone who saw me thought i was out looking for someone to fuck or trying to pick up someone to pay me for sex, so hated self and became more transparent, delusions would enflame i have a mark of death, early death, i don't know the difference, i am missing when i am here burning in other peoples eyes and sounds, some music terrible painful, distorted sounds coming out of nowhere, just need to be drunk and missing, deafened and transparent. one night while walking i went to a cemetery with a bottle of wine to sleep for the night. graveyards are very empty and quiet at night, i didn't wander around sobbing and posing or any of that poetic shit but rather hid in a small cleft of trees, got drunk and played with a lighter listening to music, and kneeling in some insanity peering into the trees and chainsmoking, scrambling around with the dirt night rodents and animals, slumming around drunk primal terrified of anything, i forgot things as they came into my mind, i had a medusa stare sending out fountains of uneasy light, terror crept up on me, long stagnant and loud, mangled my body and mind into scar tissue disgust and queasy patronizing comments faces pinch. before now the stupid whiteboy drama that was my life i wanted to forget, my emotions and theatrics, hallucinations were impossible endless and painful, life an act of embarrassed joy by the roadside so could have done something before death, five words spoken or a concerned fucking face looking intently at traffic. my sarcasm black hating everything, chucking stones at trees out of frustration daydreaming about handguns, fastfood, drugs and detached poetry, a cute little book i carried in my pocket to jot down all my little facile fleeting dreams that rushed through my head and died like a puff of cigarette smoke and brass knuckles humiliating skull bleed. i saw the naked girl walking along stumbling more on the railroad oblivious like a skunk with her hair half yanked out hanging over her cricket tirespokes fsk lso coguhlead the dreams smoky dim drug depression room. cold medicine under rainy skies puking on a pile of tar encrusted wood all saccharine dreams sluicing behind the flesh inside the skin pink bulbs. i didn't say anything when she past, being stricken each time addressed by a human into a nonentity, confused as to the action i should take, it fell through my fingers, i went to sleep it off and grimace to myself in the dark with a hardon. my sleep was erratic keep on hearing a tin shack and bedsprings bouncing up and down through sweaty open summer windows and bare feet beating the bloodclots into the wincing floorboards. i awoke with someone on top of me. she was rubbing her soaking cunt into the bulge in my trousers. my first reaction was to throw her off but being drunk and inside the safety of subconscious dreams night, unzipped and pulled my cock out with piety on my face a victim of a miracle i stood up and the wind gave me an applecore and told me a nonsensical word "aemf" i should whisper to night fires black lungs sobbing coaldusting face, she slide onto my and trembles and weaves her eyes asleep onto my cock doing some strange dance rubbing my cock against some crucial point but eased her and began fucking while i sat there confused drinking and making sure she didn't tear my cock off, i left her white body trembling in the mud and she started tearing her hair out. i kicked her body once and went home to sleep in my parents basement. eyes diagonal with incorrect lust.
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