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i dont remember much about my birth, other than it took two days for me to fall out. may 31,11:45pm, to a young married couple. first few years of life were a blur, dark rooms, high playpen walls, locked doors, enormous obscene smiling faces. glowing blue television, all there was given to distract me from sobbing into my baby blanket. my parents though they had done something really amazing by shitting me out, teaching me how to be the perfect servant. vaccinations through age two cause me to wander through the house shrieking and stumbling, falling around, oblivious, inside a constant seizure. faint, almost died, apoplexy. green brillo carpet. gigantic toothy smiles blinding my every endeavor, just smile and everything will be ok. punishment for going outside is a beating, spanking, whipping with a belt. i go outside anyway, and meet a friend. keyeth, we sped our big wheels up and down the street, my white curls, his black. smiled big innocent smiles, wrestled around on the devilstrip, hopped around like frogs collecting heroin syringes and condoms in our teeth and spitting them on the crackhouse not welcome mat. i went to his house from time to time, his family didnt have much money and his mother sat in a chair drinking and smoking cigarettes, standing up with dead starving eyes similar to my own toward computer screen at the present, to whack him over the head, drag him around, hit him with a shoe, or simply call his name and toss a cup of coffee into his face for tearing his clothes, wearing out a pair of shoes too fast, cussing. my parents saw his burns timidity decided a bad influence so introduced me to some other kids, one who i remembered, he didnt speak english. our mothers hauled us newborns up and down the block in blue strollers, next to each other. changed us on the same table, laid us down to sleep in the same crib, we splashed in the same kiddie pool. he had an intelligence and austerity about him, he would rarely smile, but i smiled all the time, and i got him to smile too, because he always looked sad, set apart from the rest, he spoke greek instead of english "austi austi" i would say with a smile, and say something else "kurt" he would say with a strait face and glowing eyes, i would lead him under the porch and talk about skulls and witches, until we got bored and went into their house, dying plants hang on the porch, sinking stairs lead to a banging screen door, a brown dimly lit interior, his father a gentle looking robust man in an easy chair, talking consolingly to his busy wife, who would answer, they spoke like real people, i cant remember if it was in greek or not. i thought back of my parents shouts and face masks, and felt cold. we played bubble bobble on nintendo in his bedroom, he watched me intently, my technique, i played the game with his smiling little brother with pinched shut eyes, cog. austi smiled at me as i played, and i smiled too, a different smile, one of my own, probably the first. downstairs again and dad is handing out candy bars "austi you get half a candy bar" "dolly you get a whole" "austi you only get half!" "cog you can share with me" "kurt, have a whole candy bar" austi looked at me with jealousy, and i giggled. cog smiled, dolly devoured her candy bar and bounced around the house singing. austi sitting in his father lap, would beam giggle and writhe, and titter high pitched greek, making dad chuckle. i didnt understand. my father wasnt around until my sister was born. another friend, saline, who pushed me into a rosebush shredding my tiny white legs piercing veins, taken to the hospital and stitched up taken away babbling and grimacing at salines laughing entertained mother. my mom was a snob, i dont think the other mothers liked her. i liked to play with austi but he would sometimes speak in greek around me, just because he knew i didnt understand, i would look at him sadly and he would pout and look away. he took dance lessons, i was in a basement playing with dolls and blocks. one day mom plants me in a pile of raked leaves in the front yard and leaves me for a few hours. im scared of people and dogs so i bury myself and stare up at the sky from the leaves, mashing crumpled brown leaves all around my tiny white noodlecock, i touch my asshole with a finger and smell it. i have to go to the bathroom so i take my shorts off and lay under the leaves exposed, on my back, and squeeze some shit out of my ass. it collects warm like playdough under my asshole and i put my hand in it and wipe it on my dick and balls, circumcised about a centimeter to much, and draw little shit symbols on my shirt. i jump out of the shitty leaves, run back to the house, and dive back into the pile, right into my own shit. my mother comes out later to find me, sickened, wipes some shit off my little sneaker with her index finger and laughs at me, i am ashamed. she hoses off my shit smeared porcelain torso, legs, genitals on the front lawn, people watch, i dance around and cry.
out of spite for my mothers making me feel guilty, i begin to piss all over the house. she never finds out. a bath with a bunch of my relatives and i shit in the tub, they yank me out. escaping my house in the middle of the night out of fear to hide in an alley i befriend a blurry faced grunt who makes me inhale medicine out of a long aluminum pipe, i feel strange. an aged hand lusty euphoric face fondles my genitals in front of the television, digging his index finger between my nuts "this is your ballsack," sleeping under his sweaty naked or briefs torso my back to the open summer window, lonely shaded blue eyes haunt streetlit pavement keyeth bounding by on his big wheel way after dark, kids, junkies, crackheads, drunks, evil lookin' guys, nobodies, dream heads, i know no one can see me from my screen window but one night a man stops and stares up at me, pressed against the screen window in a skimpy cloth, or pjs, or naked, for what seems like hours before he finally smiles and moves on. hardons pressed up to me, sweaty smiling face assholes, a handjob and/or blowjob in the shower. i stand on a table and leap through a glass window. i slash open my skull and get a concussion. home again in front of the television. austi gave me a hug. my buddy jenk wipes his nose on the couch and i scold him, we lay around naked under a blanket watching tv, glancing under covers at each others dicks, touching, giggling, we get little hardons. we play footsies in the yard, i run around in my barefeet. the feeling of his tiny bare feet pressed against mine make me warm and dizzy, i want to play footsies in the grass forever. whenever jenk comes over, we pretend to play with toys, when mother leaves, we undress and feel each others bodies, we put our flaccid cocks between each others asscheeks and clench them shut, it feels nice, i feel blood rushing to my little head, he bends over, his asscheeks open, his tiny pink butthole points at me, little shit flakes on my cockhead i smear into the skin with my forefinger like moistener. they put me into preschool so i wont cavort in the street with the other kids. austi was at tap dancing lessons. he said he hated it and yelled too, but i wanted to see him in his shiny shoes, "kurt" he says seriously. i go to a piss filled lake with jenk, we spend all day swimming and exposing ourselves to ourselves under water and smiling. we get up close to each other and piss and say "can you feel it? its warm" he goes away and i swim towards a duck, get my foot caught in a rope. struggling up and down for a couple minutes, trying to yell, i swallow lots of water and black out. i wake up on the shore. mom and another lady hauled me out. pulled my hair. jenk and i went to change back into our clothes. we got naked in the same stall, our bodies were soft, moist, our cocks had goosebumps, stook out, shrunk, tightened. we patted each others dicks like little animals. we find a turd in a dressing room, jenk picks it up and throws it at a fat lady, we run and hide. we moved away and austi gave me a hug. i feel like crying when he gave me a hug, it felt warm, made me want to go to sleep on him, to touch and undress him, kiss his part, open his asscheeks, look at what color his little hole was, we washed each others asses in the bath, i touched his dick and he giggled, i touch it again and he smiled, it gets a little hard and he pushes it between his legs and stretches out naked next to me in the tub, so i do too. i bend over a little and show him my asshole to cheer him up. he smiles, calls me silly, runs his hairless small leg between my asscheeks, gives me a little kick and giggles. i pout. someone steals our lawnmower and garden hose, i walk around with my hands in my pocket acting all tough, sizing it up. i find a heroin syringe and bury it in the sandbox. when my sister is born everyone is happy because im through dying from all the vaccinations and she has red curly hair. they take me to the suburbs.
Libations for the author, sleepless in a cold basement, wrestling with a sweater.
2.I am miserable. I have my first drink.1986. i get a sega master system for christmas from a rich sheik who wants to marry my model aunt. she says no, i still get the video games. i play them all day, get angry, hit the plastic machine with my fist. buy new games. i learn how to operate a VCR and gravitate towards horror and war movies, which i watch over and over again, constantly terrified of being sexually assaulted, or even desired, i put on weight. i run around the neighborhood barefoot swearing and coercing groups of young girls to strip naked for me. i finger a thin blue eyed blonde girl, age nine, me too, in my club house, tiny hairs softening her little slit with the tiny looking dick thing between the little butt. i sit on a bench suspended from a roof in daisy dukes, pressed in between two warm girls who wont stop babbling and looking deep into my eyes, showing me their asscheeks, sometimes i have to take them to a secluded place and feel their bodies, put my dick in between their butt, check the color of their assholes. its not as much fun as with guys. jenk comes to visit, we shit under the porch, mash our shit together into one big ball, smell it, laugh, hide it in a hole for the raccoon. wash off in the sprinkler. one day mother catches us, jenk bent over, my unit resting flaccid between his white asscheeks. she yanks us apart and drags us inside, throws me down the stairs, hits me with a ruler, his me with her hand, i scream and cry, ive lost all capacity to talk, im terrified. "you are punished" jenk sits forlorn on a couch, my mom goes away, we make eye contact, pull out our dicks and press the heads together, like they're kissing. moms head pops down to see us, we dive away from each other, tucking our balls back into our pants, she asks me what we were doing. calmly in my best imitation of her, i say "we were showing each other our privates." 1987. basquiat dies of a heroin overdose, i start grade school. I am miserable. All the girls want to be JR's boyfriend. They can have the jerk for all i care, spiked hair, soccer sneakers, squinty eyes and all. i imagine sitting on the toilet taking a shit with his little girlfriend stephanie. im bored and miserable, the kids are whining idiots, they giggle about who kissed who, their favorite crayon. one day i color my otter blue and a girl yells at me "a blue otter, i never heard of a blue otter" i look down at my picture and feel proud that she never heard of a blue otter. she looks mean anyway. esther chases me around in circles, i hate her, she giggles and wants to kiss me, i want to be left the fuck alone. i tell people i hate her. one day, a boy ive never heard of gets paddled for saying "i hate you esther" and kicking and punching her until she got a bloody nose. i imagine spectral principal man in a suit whacking screaming basketball pro kid with a boat oar on his bare ass. i feel confused, the kids dance around with string, i stand on the carpet and feel confused, the music plays, i look down, i hate the playground, i want to go run around naked and play footsies with other boys that arent in this school. i wonder if school turned all these little kids into the bantering doodads tapping down the halls, sexless, bored, cruel, capitalist larvae suckling oil from their parents c-span instant lotto armpit nipples. i wonder what has happened to the babbling little girls that used to shove their tiny white asses in my face in the bushes, and the smiling laughing boy i played footsies with in the tall cool deep grass. i gain weight. i come from school, eat, piss around, play video games, watch tv, shave off my white curls, i am now ugly. 1989. i write a story that gets an A++++++++++++ about a prince who gets killed trying to rescue a pig and a woman from a dragon and the predator. the prince is killed by the predator. i read the last words to the shocked schoolroom "...chuckled low in his throat". I like horror stories, edgar allen poe. I am caught with a stephen king book, different seasons. my mom takes it and throws it away. i have the title written down, i get it from the library an hour later. 1990. i sit next to lorelai, i decide she will be my crush. i like to tease her more than anything. i make her giggle all through class. the teacher stresses creative writing. everyone is adamant that theyre the most brilliant writer in the room. tyler proves it when he gets an A on a test. the guy smiles smugly, tries to take all my friends away, and succeeds. i try to hide but my friends and him eventually find me, after they get bored with basketball. they torment me and i sit there with a dead look on my face. i fall off a steel jungle gym and get another concussion. i black out. i feel different when i wake up, angrier, older. i eat more, gain weight. numerous unnecessary oral surgeries. i ride bikes with pamp and mead. pamp often breaks down crying and tries to attack me. i push him away. spending the night at their house, they take a bath together, wash each others dicks and smile and laugh. this is ok with me, but i didnt want to get in the bath. they didnt do it like me and austi did it, when i touched austis dick he didnt cackle and whine, and i showed him my asshole color too, and he didnt show me his, and it was our little secret, i would never tell. pamp mead and i rode around, created sex penalties for a bike game, if we failed doing this, we would expose ourselves for a minutes. mead didnt want to play, but pamp wanted to expose himself even if he won, and he cried if i didnt let him show me his dick, i said ok. he loved to show me his privates, he smiled, happier than id ever seen him when i looked at his naked midsection behind the school, touched his dick. he was ok when he got his way. he pissed on me when i slept next to him in the bed because he wanted to show me his dick again. i didnt want to see it because i was fat and balled and ugly and didnt feel too seductive. i read stephen kings IT and my suburban fear redoubles, i sleep in a fort of blankets, reading all day and all night, my cock hard between my pudgy legs at all the children experimenting sex, the bad boys jerking each other off in the junkyard, the dead animals in the fridge, i was enchanted, i watched a giant pine tree from my bedroom window, my old childhood sex kitten girl laying on her back in the next house, shirtless, my little hardon.1991 i get ms. boone, old black women, witty as all hell, licking a photograph of micheal jordan on her cabinet and telling kids to bring her peanut butter snickers if they wanted an A. I goofed off a lot, she got hit in the head with a frisbee, i laughed. I didnt know anybody i liked, they were all loud kids who thought i was rich because i read books and showered occasionally. one day, a new student arrives, a strange looking body, skeletal, lean, nerdy kid with glasses. ms. boone says his name is austi, from greece, but he seems to speak better english than she does, introduces him vigorously to the class, i cant stop looking at him, ive never seen anyone or anything like him, he was a rarity, a seemingly delicate jewel, nervous looking, smiled at me, and i smiled back, my happiness nearly insanity, i looked away blushing, he smiles again sweetly at me, realizing how forward he has been, or i have been, and when we line up for recess, i tell him i used to live on grande avenue. he points at me "did you say you used to live on grande avenue". i nodded. we sat together and did everything together and visited each other and played with each other and loved each other. he listened to my stories i would make up out of my head, like they were something to listen to, and my heart would flutter. we walked all sunday in the rain talking about a story i made up of how the nile burst out of a dead guys pocket and he loved it. we walked in the gutter, getting all wet. people saw us and shook their heads. lorelai said austi was my girlfriend, and i was ashamed. in gym class austi and i held hands and the teacher told the whole class, who stared at us. i punched austis arm and he looked sad. looked down at his cheap shoes while i looked angrily at all the cheap faces, and yelled at the gym teacher, 300 pound white haired redneck "youre wearing a goddamn tutu!" a little garbage bag hanging out of his back pocket. the whole class laughed. "what?!" the teacher asked embarrassed, and then walked away. i would often whack austi on the arm through his goofy winter coat and he would shout and flop around like hed just been shot, and i would laugh and watch his every move, his long black hair flopping around. we spent the night at each others houses, watching softcore porn, he would cuddle up to me and tell me he had a boner, every time a naked lady appeared. we slept in the same bed, and i whispered that i had a boner too, and we would cuddle up and clutch our twin boners with sparkling smiles at the b-movie tits on the 22' tv. one morning i was on my side and he cuddled up to me, eyes glowing, hand in his pants on his boner, pressing it a little against my butt. i was fat and balled, i didnt feel right, i didnt want my mom to throw me down the stairs and beat the shit out of me again, i almost began to cry, i really wanted him to do something to me with his boner, anything he wanted to do, i ran upstairs and slammed my head purposefully against a cabinet, and began to cry. blood rushed down my face. mom gave me an icepack and i lay down next to the seductive little boy, who ran his long fingers over my shaved head while i sniffled, it was the first time i had ever loved someone, it hurt me badly, the blood rushed down my forehead, why did i have to feel this way, austi, rub my fat bleeding head forever, and never again. one day i convince austi, cog and pamp to pull their pants down to their ankles, and lift their shirts up to their armpits. mead hides in the reeds while this goes on. cog smiles, i examine him first, he seems happy, doesnt care, likes it a little. i say im checking them for aids because i dont want to get infected. pamp and austi compete, pamp smiles, lets me check his ass, then his dick, but frowns a little towards then end, ashamed. austi proudly arches his back, pointing his little ass towards me, looks down, lustily. i open his asscheeks with my hand, he inhales sharply, he has a purple little asshole i examine a moment with glowing eyes, he blushes, flattered, and anxiously turns around, his ass still arched back, his little dick hanging. he looks down at himself as i touch him, puckers his lips to make sure i touch his part gently and correctly, which i do. happily, he pulls his pants up and clings to me. i begin to masturbate, my first time jacking off, thinking of his purple tiny hole and his dreamy expression. i tell myself i cant jack off to him, because if i do ill really end up letting him do something to me with his dick, that thing i wanted to do so badly before. i bombard myself with images of naked ladies, vanity, androgyny and after an hour of jacking off i finally manage to spew a load thinking about some playboy idiot. i felt proud, like i had conquered myself. cog teased me about playing with him, he told his parents, they thought i was gay. i was mad so i told someone at school austi was "gay," and soon everyone is avoiding him. me too, i want to be popular, which i wasnt. the teacher tells his mom that ive been "hitting" him. which is even worse. i feel embarrassed, awful, and resentful. i miss him but he was getting so close to me, i was afraid, i didnt want them to beat me up, i didnt want them to humiliate austi, i hated all of them, i was fucking miserable, i hated them all and left them to their stupid fucking prom dreams.
Libations for the semi drunk author-De Profundis! Onward, onward, i want to taste the pines exhaling breath against a new soul, will words banish these black images from my tiring heart?
I think i have a crush on someone. Play lots of games with austi and kime. we create rotten food sculptures, and laugh hysterically. we talk about how well never ever be Faggots. I get fatter. we steal porn and fireworks. I go to washington DC and blow all my cash on a super nintendo game, earthbound, that i fall in love with. I play though it with a friend who later attempts suicide by riding his bike in front of a van, and ive never seen him since. randy, the friend, we smoke pot and listen to nirvana and hole, talk about how kurt cobain is god, stare at the nirvana shrine in his brothers room. we would stay up all night drinking soda and video games. bribing his brother to bring us pizzas home. randy would eat most of it, then pass out, while i wandered around his quiet house, or played video games, never able to sleep, always terrified of something, always rattled. austi has a rotten time in middle school. i get attacked by a young victim of domestic abuse, pickle. he smashes my nose into a ? spraying 1.5 or so pint of my blood in a jackson pollock mosaic all over the floor. pickle gets 1 day suspension, i got to the board of education to appeal my expulsion, i pushed him to provoke the attack. i get three day suspension. back at school with my face mangled, and i feel dead. the happiness is gone, and i cant stand their fucking jokes anymore. after i got beat up i walked through the halls pouring blood just because everyone was so interested, they followed me, bellowing their individual derisive remarks, while i swooned. i got away and played video games all summer with austi and kime. austi started to fool around with girls, but i didnt. neither did kime. i wasnt interested. i wrote long stories of perversion, and binge ate, with shots of whiskey.
ninth grade, is awful, even worse than middle school, only everyone is twice as evil. a gradual nervous breakdown peaks around christmas break, i wander through that late december in a fog, reading, playing adult video games, addicted to porn. i can get the most vile porn anyone can imagine, and austi is impressed. i wear the same torn jacket every day, i dont talk to anyone, i begin to take pain killers daily, and drink copious amounts of cough syrup. this makes me even crazier. i write stories of lust and perversion, overindulge on every vice i can get my mitts on, read naked lunch and the divine comedy over and over. i get a job at a farm. i lift a couple tons a day in the beating down sun. my skin melts off. they ask what the hell is wrong with me at school. i dont answer. i get sick from muscle spasms and sunburn and miss school. i smoke lots of weed that is grown at work, and take handfuls home to smoke, completely unaware of the street value, even embarrassed that i am smoking it. i feel a serenity outdoors, a 14 year old college grad turns me on to the arts, telling me i am a genius, the final spike driven into the coffin. i stop caring about anything. i live to read, write, and indulge all of my appetites. summer break. austi and i get drunk, i massage, kiss his shaven, smooth cool feet, the most sensational feeling ive ever had, i brush my cheek through the arch of his foot, he sits drunk on a chair, and i fiddle with his shirt, he throws my hand away. "i dont like people touching me"
"its ok" i whisper, and lift up his shirt looking at his olive colored glass pane belly, moving my hand down opening his zipper, reaching into his fly and boxers to where my white fingers touch his hard cock. hes hard for me. i take out his dick, it points at the ceiling, rigid, he looks embarrassed until i comfort his hardon from the cool air with my warm mouth, moving my lips up and down his shaft, while he sighs, and i put his bony hand on my hardon. he squeezes and massages, sensations burn through my body like ive never experienced, i feel like a dragon, but the carbon monoxide detector goes off, he runs, turns it off and dives back into the chair like nothing happened, i suck his dick a little more, and feel happy with him in my mouth, whole, i wanted to do things to him, i wanted him to do things to me, i wanted him, a complete starvation i had never felt, i lifted him up in my farmers arms and carried him cradled up to a couch, up the stairs, where he fell on his hands and knees and spread his legs and asscheeks. i ran the tip of my tongue over his asshole, and his whole body shuddered, i slid my tongue up his ass, his cock turned deep red, flexing like and overfilled water balloon. i pressed the head of my cock to his asshole, then pushed my finger into him. pushing my cock into him, being kind of rough i ask him if theres anything i can lubricate with. he answers "hmm" several times, so i tuck him in, and zip up his hardon, he frowns. the next day i bump my head on a chair and get a protruding bump above and between my eyes. i think it is a third eye. i call off work and lay in bed, feeling guilty about fucking him, and feeling guilty about wanting to still do more. i wanted to call him, but was afraid. later he told me he was passed out the whole night, and i developed a terror that i had raped him. even later, he told me he was awake the whole time, which i knew, and regretted that i hadnt fucked him until i came. i was young, terrified, unloved, poor, tired, drunk. i just wanted him to hold me, and fuck me.
my nervous breakdown continued. i went to canada, did heroin, got a girl pregnant and the kid was aborted. went to boy scout camp to smoke a cigar and get away from home. canoed out to a remote island to sleep for a few days .used more painkillers, weed, a little heroin, cough syrup, had a minor stroke after drinking the wrong kind of robitussin. school was even worse the next year, i spoke to no one, ate nothing, buried my head in a book, slashed my arms, hid in a basement jacking off to kiddie porn. terrified of parents and everyone, and the stories people would tell to bolster their small lives. austi and i got high and he gave me a handjob. i came all over his hand and felt wonderful. later on, after a date with his prom queen for a day girlfriend, i would suck his dick, and we would continue fucking. one night when i was tripping, he came by to pick me up, angrily, tossed me on the couch, rammed his cock into me a few times, and then gave me a little bag of weed. i went home. eventually, he came to live with me, sneaking in and out of my bedroom window to fuck me, and suck me, and let me suck him, and we slept wrapped in a big horny knot, stoned, sometimes i would fuck the arch of his legs, but only three times did my dick slide into the royal palace of austis ass, the purple hole, and i can be grateful for those times, and all the times ive finger and tongue fucked him. he fisted me with four fingers once, and i loved it, afterwards he fucked me violently up my ass, came inside me, then made me jack off for him. i was so eternally devoted to him, i would have done anything. we lived together for months, cuddling, fucking, loving, getting high, laughing, writing poetry, talking, being together, being ourselves, and being comfortable most of the time without having to prove any false realities to anyone. we shared our child molestation/rape stories. we cried in each others arms as we french kissed, and he wanted to adopt a child with me, to marry me, a boy, he made me faint with a glance, twice. "i could do this for hours" he mutters lustily, sucking my 9 inch cock down his throat us both on acid, about an hour before i puked and worried he might think it was his fault. his prom queen for a day girlfriend didnt like me, after i refused her naked body. she just didnt seem to fit in the whole equation. it didnt seem right. later on, we got into fights, verbally, over quibbles, as we grew up, he seemed to want to conform to a churchgirl regimen. his family banged on my window in the middle of the day screaming about there being drugs in my house. "THERE ARE DRUGZ IN DARE!" high and hungover i told austi to talk to her, or go with her, and he left. eventually, i called him one night, he was with his girlfriend, and we got into a fistfight. he came over and struck me after an hour of vulgarities over the phone. he had to prove to his high school peers, his parents and his prom queens moms virgin dreams that he wasnt no queer, showed up drunk with a trash talking redneck, and punched me in the face. i beat him bloody, kicked his ass a few times, threw him down, then slapped his face. after which, my worst sexual nightmare came true, even more of them, one after another, austis crying dilettante giantess in the car whining about "my boyfriend! !", then my dad, my boyfucking dad descends onto us, yanking us apart just as i was about to gently kiss him an apology, a goodbye, strangling my sexual angel, my soul kiss, my god, my balm, until his eyes bugged out of his head, and his tongue lolled out, i tore out my hair, screamed. he laughed at me one final time before he left and i hit him again, blood pouring out of his face onto the street, and all over his prom queens white im ashamed of my period dress. he walked away, sullen.
i have been dead ever since the fight, hating my family, hating austi and everyone who made him think he had to prove his manhood by attacking one of his lovers, and hating everyone that made me think it was right to hit him. my family is full of rotten perverts and hypocrites, and im a high school drop out, an alcoholic. he told me i would die a bum on the street. let my last few glimpses be of a hazy afternoon sky, or your 15 year old pony tail, reflecting little deep golden light shrapnel
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