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Ambulance

it wasn't so bad i want to say
i know what it is to be alive, i've
tasted it. while others gulped a lifetime,
while others bought & sampled little sips,
how exquisite,
acquaintances, bosses, whores, rats & judges
fall away now. auto-piloting
through each vague & useless point
on the anxiolytic map. soft as a baby's ass
i landed on the back of my affairs with naive joy,
some turned bitter & difficult to bear.
others grew heart & many heads
beautiful, no calculating
the fighting, the flailing, hope, thinking, emoting
this syrupy suicide, this inward gallop
this killer of time & most things confused.
friends,
this was damn great sometimes.
i learned the mind hails a serious instrument.
gone amok in blood-lust oblivion,
i got the joke & laughed laughed laughed
though i was fingered as the culprit, i cried wolf,
i took the blame & blamed all out loud.
i heard love in its extroverted mutations,
in its intimate vibrations.
learned time bleeds memory.
led to slaughter by conscience erasure,
some sort of purgatory, remembering
the past, snatches of time stacked,
bits of dialogue swept away
to a far corner like mouse turds & i wait.
tic-tic-tic, menial hours drop like punctuation
from a bloated sentence.
some righteous riots, some foolish laments
such as this,
just a break in the profundity
of a life mired in wishes wishes wishes.
i scored big at times
& its almost over & that's not so bad.
a door is opening,
a feast appears,
how sweet sweet sweet i do hope it is
to taste
my just dessert.

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