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All I want For Christmas is my two frontal lobes removed

i want to die
scary sad pathetic
cause if i really wanted to
i’d just stick it in my mouth cock it back
its as easy as riding a bike 
as tying a knot and hoping 
my neck breaks 
pressing down that much harder
taking one or two or 50 more than normal
reliving all those times i wasn’t good enough
couldn’t pay the rent
couldn’t buy the drugs
couldn’t feed myself
took too many 
passed out
woke up in
shit and piss
and didn’t remember what happened
that i’ve fingered myself thinking about animals
and relatives
then later wondered which was worse
as easy as finishing a sentence 
dotting the i’s crossing the t’s
cutting open my stomach and pulling out my guts
i want to die ugly and humiliated
that this will be the day i’ll finally do it
i want to die because i want to kill.

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