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The Surrogate
With “I can’t get no satisfaction” playing in the background, Hattie Proboscis, a sex surrogate, gets on the proverbial telephone.
It is Marty again, who needs to see her at 7am, always Hattie’s first appointment. Martin takes his old funeral car which he found abandoned on Highway 666 down to visit Hattie. He perpetually is sweating, and bangs on the door.
“Let me in, Hattie. I’m hot and it’s Thursday and you promised it would be a down and dirty morning.”
Hattie comes to the door to let him in, a big redhead in a medical gown with a string of pink pearls and white pumps.
“This is a professional service.”
“Just service me.”
“You used to come over here and just touch pinkies.”
“Well, I was nervous then. I couldn’t even get it up because my mother was still alive. You know what she did to me.”
“Marty, we all know she loved you too much.”
“And you, Hattie?”
Hattie puts the finishing touches on her nails.
“This isn’t about love, but the three-letter word that turns the world around.”
Marty adjusts his toupee and takes off his striped polyester jacket.
“I can tell Marty, by your body language, you are horny.”
Hattie gets him a ginkgo and kiwi yogurt drink.
“I’ve been waiting for this appointment for two weeks.”
“It’s been so busy around here.”
“Who’s your hottest customer beside me, Hattie? The cool black basketball guy who used to come here in drag?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Marty. I don’t discuss my other clients. It’s not professional.”
“I saw him – 6’9” and in a miniskirt. Come on baby, get real.”
“Stop pulling at my dress, Marty. You are acting out, as if I was your mother. I’m just a substitute for her, a surrogate.”
“No, you’re my girlfriend, Hattie.”
“Do you have the hundred and fifty for today’s session?”
“Sure. I robbed this dude at an Alice Cooper concert who was bothering me.”
“I don’t want to hear about it.”
Marty takes out the money from his back pocket.
“I have my surprise package for you, Hattie. I’ve been on my penis pump.”
“Good for you, Marty.”
“Don’t be a condescending bitch. You know I studied psychology from the Arkansas correspondence course.”
“Yes, Marty; I know. Your appointment is over now.” She smiles.
“What do you mean, bitch, getting rough with me? Just like mother, withholding food.”
“You love me like this.”
“I’m hard, stiffer than a woodpecker. I need to release.”
“Did you bring your clean/dirty towel?”
“But we did that two years ago. Aren’t I ready for the nasty? I want the big time.”
The doorbell rings.
“Sorry – Billy, my next client is here.”
“Bitch.”
“Now take your towel and get back to your funeral car and I can see you a week from now. You know you can always fantasize about me.”
Marty grabs her breast. Hattie pulls away.
“You’ve seen enough, Marty. Bye.”
Marty goes out the back way, feeling frustrated like he did as a child.
Billy walks in, takes off his pants and sits on the divan in his underwear. He is hairy with a round pouty face, scrawny from the waist down but with a pumped-up chest.
“How are you, Billy?”
“I went to see six ladies of the night for every day in the week, except for church.”
“And how did you do?”
“Even the viagra from Dr. Rubin didn’t help. Only you help me, Hattie.”
“That’s what I’m hear for.”
“No luck at all. I panicked most of the time and came in my pants the others. I got too excited and went kind of premature.”
“Oh, baby, you know we talked about how common that was.”
“But I need a little contact right now, Hattie. I was so desperate that I got in bed with a guy I met outside the Y.”
“Did he satisfy you?”
“We tried to fool around, but he told me he was a size queen and that isn’t my strong point, so I lost the little erection I had. When I got home I put on some videos the guy lent me.”
“Did they help?”
“Well, they were only of him.”
“And?”
“I felt jealous, went back to see him at the Y, but he was with another fella. Then I went to the corner where the after-dinner whores hang out and went off with Toxie.”
“How was that?”
“A disaster, Hattie. She was toxic, that Toxie was, took my salary and pin money but didn’t give me anything in return, so I begged her. She didn’t let me, so I tried to force her; then I just let her relax me orally.”
“Did that help?”
“I think she couldn’t wait to get rid of me. Who needs anyone’s pity? It’s shitty.”
“Oh, Billy, but you are an attractive man. You work out.”
“But all I think about is getting laid.”
“That’s normal, Billy.”
“Then why did I have to come around here like a pup? Remember when I used to bark for it… That was one hell of a technique.”
“But it worked, Billy.”
“I know, Hattie, but don’t I ever get to first base? Don’t I have the balls? I have the bat, right? You said so yourself. Or do you tell that to all the guys?”
The doorbell rings.
“We have to end, Billy.”
“Too bad. I thought this was the day.”
Hunter, the basketball player, walks in. Today he looks like a combination Grace Jones and Moms Mabley.
“Hi, Hunter.”
“I’ve been clubbing all night but actually waiting for you. I realize now I can only have sex in drag. I’m more comfortable that way.”
“No problem.”
“Maybe you like girls like me.”
“Why not? Did you bring some protection this time?”
“You know I like it natural, Hattie. I gave you five thousand bucks last time.”
“But I don’t know where you’ve been since then.”
“You think I’m just an alley cat, don’t you?”
“Meow. Sometimes I make guys bark for it like a dog; other times I like cool cats like you.”
“How do you get what makes each man get turned on?”
“I was a man at one time, Hunter.”
“What, in another life?”
“In another body.”
“I had some out of body experiences but now I want an inner body experience.”
“Of course, Hunter.”
“Can we put on our make-up together at the mirror?”
“Of course.”
“People don’t understand me, man.”
“I do, Hunter; believe me I do…”
The bell rings.
“Oh, my God, it’s Gary. I forget. He was my eleven.”
“Eleven inches?”
“No.”
“I wouldn’t mid diddling him too.”
“He’d like that. He’s very shy.”
“I can understand.”
Gary, thin and cute with long blonde hair, ambles in with his towel.
“Now, boys, Hunter and Gary, you can, with my help, rip each other apart or do with me what you want.”
The doorbell rings. Marty, who had been watching through the window, was horny, walks in with an equally frustrated Billy. It is a lively morning. Hattie expires by nightfall.
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