[Due to the extraordinary demands made on his time -- interviews, television appearances, book tour -- the Sardine was unable to complete a new column. Fortunately, the columns unblessed by Father Grindgrad represent a large supplement to the published work and would not appear out of place in terms of quality or theme. Moreover, to have these columns published would relieve many of the characters who have moved on in A Sardine on Vacation but are unsure how they've gotten where they are. This situation has been especially egregious for Joe T. and Antigone.]
Joe T. thinks he made the worst mistake in his life. This after a two-week honeymoon in the Cyclides. All he could talk about when he returned was the fact (disappointment) of married life and the number of homosexuals on the island of Mykinos.
"They were holding hands and lying on the beach together."
All Wal-terr wanted to know was what Antigone was like in bed. You might think Joe T. would have been offended, but he was someone who had bragged about his every conquest. Why should he stop now?
"A married man doesn't talk about his wife like that."
"I do," said Wal-terr, "and I'm married."
"You don't sleep with your wife," said Frank Weathers, "no wonder you don't say anything."
"But everyone knows we don't anymore," said the bartender. "Joe, are you telling us you didn't get any on your honeymoon?"
"We've been doing it for a while." Joe T. let slip.
"That's a first," said Frank. "You're admitting that you kept us in the dark? It really must be true love for Joe."
"I'm not buying it," said Wal-terr. "He said marriage was disappointing."
"Don't get me wrong," said Joe T., "Antigone's a great gal. We have had the best sex. Even her Uncle Creon's coming around to the point of thinking that I am family. It's just that. . . ."
The Sardine divined what it was. Joe T. had had a revelation. A vision of hell. He was overwhelmed by the thought that he would have to be with her forever. She was his age but would soon decline in beauty. And he had bound himself to her forever.
"You can get a divorce," said Wal-terr.
"It would kill Oed. She's his favorite daughter. I mean, they're tighter than most father-daughters, like brother and sister."
"The thought of their relationship," said Frank, "would have stopped my horse from whinnying."
"That sort of attracted me to her," said Joe.
The brute reality was that Joe T. had never spent four months with any woman! He anticipated losing interest in Antigone. Unfortunately, this fear of losing interest was tantamount, for him, to his actually losing interest in her. The best part of breaking off with his other girlfriends was the forestalling of personal gripes and arguments. He tried dropping all of his girlfriends before they would have an argument.
He had an argument with Antigone on his wedding night.
"It was a holdover," Joe T. explained, "from a small disagreement during the planning for the wedding reception."
He had wanted Benny McSelf to play music at the reception. She thought an Irish entertainer was too incongruous at a Greek wedding.
"The Irish do those same kind of high-steps," said Wal-terr. "Maybe not as fast as they do in Riverdance."
"Who'd she want?" asked Frank. "The Grease band?"
"You were there, don't you remember? Roy Stefanopolis."
"Who?" "The zither player Uncle Creon knows."
"So that's what instrument was being played. I thought it was a psychotic steel guitar."
"I thought Benny could have used the work," said Joe T. "Well, I mentioned to her when we got to our hotel -- we flew out the next day -- that none of my friends danced to zither music. She said the reason she didn't want Benny was that she dated him ten years ago."
The bar crowd laughed.
"I couldn't believe it. I began wondering how many of my other friends went out and slept with her. She got angry when I accused her of sleeping with Benny. She had only kissed him. But she didn't deny going out with the others."
"You didn't expect to marry a virgin," said Frank.
"But she might have gone to bed with. . .Wal-terr."
"I never laid a hand on her," said Wal-terr.
"You took her out!"
"Only once."
"Anyway, she got so upset with me that when I got ready for bed she turned her back. What was this, I wondered. Here I wasn't getting anything only when I got married."
"That's the way all marriages are," said Frank.
"That sucks. At least things improved when we got back to Athens."
"Sure," said Wal-terr.
"I don't care if you believe me."
But the rumor was, indeed, that Joe T. never had sexual relations with Antigone. And he's still married to her. Maybe he found other things to love about her. Or he was simply afraid to break Oedipus' heart.
Bob Castle is the author of A Sardine on Vacation. He has had two other books published this year: The End of Travel, a comic memoir and send up of traveling abroad (Triple Press) and Odd Pursuits, a collection of stories (Wild Child Publishing). He is regular writer for Bright Lights Film Journal and has over one hundred fifty stories, essays, and articles published. The first fifteen installments of his saga can be viewed at the old Unlikely Stories. A Sardine on Vacation is also available in book form.