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why can't I call you sweetie?To Shane Allison's previous piece     New York is Kicking My Black AssTo Shane Allison's next piece

Show Me the Man Who Pinched Your Ass

I'll go and beat 'em up for you.
Point him out to me and don't be 
a chicken shit about it.
I have just the thing for guys
who like to grab the asses of real men.
He won't know what hit him when I knock
him over the head with a monkey wrench
as big as my arm.
I will throw his unconscious body
over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes
and plunge it into a chair where I will
duct tape his mouth, cover his bleeding
head with a black nickel bag until you give the word
to cut off those infamous hands.
Don't worry. Don't beat yourself up 
over this shit. You handled things fine
considering the circumstances.
Leave it all to me.
I'm as loyal as a German Shepard.
He'll pay for what he's done.
I'll see to that.
I have attached battery cables 
to his nipples.
I cut the brake line to his Continental.
I don't think anyone saw me.
He was foaming at the mouth when I left him this morning
locked hot and sweating in my basement like Bruce Willis
in Pulp Fiction.
Wait til you see what I do with the alcohol and razor blades.
Who does he think he is?
What's the meaning of this?
Doesn't this mother fucker know you don't get down like that?
I'll show him. I'll teach him
to keep his hands to himself.
I'll cut the bitch's balls off
and use them as earrings.
Just the thing to accentuate my eyes.
I'm gonna make him sorry he ever laid eyes on you.
Gonna teach that cocksucker a lesson.
When all is done, I'm gonna do
to him what he did to you
and so much more.

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