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Poem in Celebration of My Penis

You have put up with a lot of crap and I want to take this time
to thank you.
No, all bullshit aside, I mean it this time. If it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't have gotten through those rock hard times
of my dad being in jail, my mother crying into her strawberry soda.
You mean more to me than sensual pleasure.
More than just a sexual organ that discharges piss and semen.
We've gone through a lot you and me.
The endless gay porn magazines you have
had to endure. The occasional videos
rewound to sins of flesh, boomerang-like dicks.
Sorry about using my sister's hair gel.
You didn't deserve that or the toothpaste.
I'm surprised you never pissed blood.
You never warned me with burning sensations.
You were there when Nick stood me up at the movies.
You were there when I read the letter from John about
how I wasn't his type.
Thank you for being there when my parents heard me
having phone sex with Jeff at 16.
Thank you for being there when I was kicked out
of Chuck E. Cheese for spitting on the floor,
when Tony kissed me in the bathroom at Bond Elementary,
when obscene phone calls were made at 13 to a
complete stranger asking, "Can I suck your dick?"
Sorry, I was bored.
Thank you for being patient when Alex, some john I picked up like trash out
of the bathroom of Tallahassee Community College,
took me to his place and tried to screw me without lube.
It was my first time and you know that.
You were there when the mall security guard busted me
for lewd and lascivious acts.
Thanks for being there when they released me to my parents.
Body caked with humiliation in the backseat at 17 in a
black Monte Carlo.
You didn't say a word when you were smeared with shit.
I guess it was because you were smeared with shit.
Remember the crush I had on Eric, that substitute teacher
in American History?  He was so understanding even though
he could have freaked out and gone to the principal.
You stood long and strong through all those dead-end crushes,
all the damn love poems.
I forgave you when you couldn't keep your cool
in 9th grade gym. I'm sure the same thing happened to all the boys.
Let's let bygones be bygones.
Thanks for sharing New Year's with me.
Valentine's Day is always the hardest.
You fought against the deadbeat penis
You sent signals to my brain to tell me that
his dick was from the wrong side of the tracks
and was not worth a blowjob.
You knew the shit from the shine baby.
I will not give you a nickname.
You are not a pet. You are not my lucky charm.
I know I can be a complete and utter asshole at times.
I'm sure there are days when you just want to say,
"To hell with this guy, I don't have to take this shit!"
and want to move on to greener pastures.
I know I need help and I'm trying. Really, I am.
I don't want to lose you. I live to love you.
You've been with me for 26 years and I want
you to be with me for 26 more.

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