To the Artist's Page To our home page
To B. Z. Niditch's previous piece To B. Z. Niditch's next piece
Pepe was born gifted, but only in one area, and it was below the belt.
When Mrs. Telebenta brings Pepe to Dr. Sugarman, the good doctor almost passes out.
"And he is only sixteen."
"I will have to get my assistant, Dr. Schlong, to have a look. He is a specialist in these matters." Dr. Sugarman goes into the private office and whispers to Dr. Schlong.
"You won't believe it. It will surely make Ripley, so take a few pictures – I mean x-rays."
Pepe, muscular but with a childish face, sits hunched over on the table in a black dress shirt and purple oversized trousers which are down around his ankles. He feels self-conscious already and blushes.
"I know what you mean." Dr. Schlong stares at Pepe's body – "Oh, my, oh, my," as he helps the boy take off the rest of his clothes in preparation for an x-ray.
"Pepe has always been a problem child for me. I used to have trouble finding a diaper large enough for him…even when I took him home from the hospital I was worried."
Dr. Schlong starts to sweat. The perspiration runs down his flowered paisley tie.
Mrs. Telebenta starts to get hysterical.
"Then Pepe went to school, but there were no pants available for him, short or long that I could get him into. So I took him to the tailor, and he kept him for hours, and he finally pressed out these from a tall guy store. I went to an urologist, Dr. Yulin in Fresno. You know him. And he just fainted and his nurse as well. He told me I didn't have to pay and the x-rays showed nothing wrong. But Dr. Yulin keeps calling me for more pictures. We went back after school, but Dr. Yulin went into the porno business. Afterwards I heard he lost his license. And now you tell me the truth; why is Pepe's pipi like the trunk of an elephant?"
Dr. Sugarman brings Mrs. Telebenta a glass of water.
"I'd like you to meet Bill. He plays for the Vikings. Since we are all adults, Pepe too, I think you should hear his story."
Bill wears a Vikings uniform and a cowboy hat.
"Call me Buffalo Bill. Kid, you like football?"
Pepe's eyes met Bill's.
"I'm Buffalo Bill Rogers, the quarterback. I've got a problem. I have an incher. Can you imagine what I've gone through since junior high in locker rooms?"
Mrs. Telebenta ignores Bill. "Do you think my Pepe will need a shrink? Maybe all this…has gone to his head."
Bill chuckles, his American grin showing his big white teeth.
"I can't even get head, lady… It's so tiny.. I can't get ahead in my love life and I've been married twice."
Mrs. Telebenta tries to be understanding and orders her son to sit up straight. Dr. Schlong looks back and forth between Pepe and Bill.
"We doctors can only do so much…but shrinks can enlarge your minds as well as your body parts, and we can try to solve your mind/body problem; but I'm wondering about the possibility of a transplant…"
Pepe looks sympathetically at everyone. Bill laughs out loud, "Will it hurt?"
"You're a big man."
"Not where it counts, Dr. Schlong."
"What doesn't hurt in this life? No pain. no gain. Listen, we had a guy just yesterday who wanted to become a Moslem and asked the doctors to circumcise him. He was nearly forty. And then another guy after his appointment who asked Dr. Sugarman to uncircumcise him, and he was a former rabbi… Another wanted a vasectomy for his dad who had fathered two hundred and seventy children. Another, the young fellow who castrated himself and wasn't even in opera. I have a hard life."
Bill giggles a lot.
"Looks like you two docs are enjoying your jobs, if you know what I mean."
"Oh, Bill, I really have a hard life and it's getting harder."
"I'd just like to get it hard. Now can you give us a transplant? How about it, Pepe? Would you like something from me?"
Dr. Schlong calls in nurse Joyce Condom who takes Pepe into the inner office.
"This won't be easy, Bill. But it's for science. It may start an implant trend. What do you say, Mrs. Telebenta?"
"It would make life easier for me. But it's all up to Pepe."
Pepe shrugs his shoulders. "I guess so."
Bill flexes his muscles in his crocodile shirt.
"I don't want to blow a good opportunity, Dr. Schlong."
"Would you come with me?"
Dr. Schlong takes bill to another side room. He has a huge pencil with him.
"I'm going to give you the pencil test. I'm going to show you pictures and if your penis moves with a woman's picture we'll know you're straight, and if it moves with a guy you're gay."
"I ain't gay."
"Pictures don't lie. Here's a sexy woman, Bill. Hm, no response."
Dr. Schlong puts some more pics in front of him.
"Here's a sexy dude… It's moving…"
"Screw you, doctor. I tell you, I'm not gay."
"Now every time I hit your penis while you're looking at a sexy guy, since you want to go straight, you will feel pain and you will be in so much pain from the pencil that you will want to be straight and will become straight."
"I don't like this game."
Nurse Condom rushes back in.
"Oh, Dr. Schlong, forgive me. I fell into sin… After I examined Pepe and took his temperature…I couldn't resist… And you know these hot-blooded Latin types…"
"This is not professional."
Bill screams out, "This place is more than a sex clinic – it's a sex maniac hangout. I could sue you guys."
"Don't knock the clinic, Billy boy. You don't want any bad publicity, do you?"
"All right, I won't sue you, but I need help. I've spent hundreds of dollars on ads in magazines that claim they have pumps and all this stuff that can enlarge it…and I've been taking prostate pills from an African rhino…"
Dr. Schlong starts to perspire again.
"You don't need pills. You need a transplant, but before that let nurse Condom try our push and pull exercise. And nurse, try to be more professional. Remember, this is not a confessional, so forget your religion and be real."
Bill refuses to go.
"Leave me alone." Then he thinks a moment. "Listen, guys. I'm no size queen, but do you think you could take some of Pepe's foreskin and help string up mine? It would go a long way to making me happy."
"I was thinking along those same lines, Bill, but Pepe has a violent temper, according to Mrs. Telebenta, and we might have to tie up his pipi."
Bill seems to be getting angry again.
"I have a work-out schedule to think about. Let's ask Mrs. Telebenta."
Mrs. Telebenta shuffles along. "There was something else I want to tell you, Dr. Schlong."
Mrs. Telebenta takes some pills.
"I've been on cocaine and valium for years, doctor. You see, I was a deeply religious woman. I lived for every saints' day and went from shrine to shrine. I went to my priest, and I confess, I told him about Pepe. He said his part was growing, because every time Pepe told a lie it grew. I believed him even after Pepe became an altar boy."
"I understand, Mrs. Telebenta. Here we do everything by the scientific approach."
"I asked the priest if Pepe was a blessing or a curse, and Father said Pepe was a miracle, and he was still a virgin. And Father was going to dedicate him and make him a priest. But I told him, Pepe wanted to be a go-go boy. It's all up to Pepe. Where is my poor Pepe?"
"He's back with the nurse. She can't get enough."
Pepe walked in looking cool. "I had a talk with Bill, Dr. Sugarman, and the nurse. I decided I don't want to change. I like who I am. Bill said we are both regular guys."
"My beautiful son, Pepe…"a
Pepe looks at Bill who comes out of the nurse's office. "Uncle Bill is going to take me to the football game. And he's going to introduce me as a barfly and get me a real job after school as a go-go boy."
"Oh, Pepe, you still have to go to catechism, church and confession!"
"Sure, Ma. Buffalo Bill says I can get into the movies too, and he has an agent for me."
"Bill told me that from now on he will live vicariously through me."
"Oh, my Pepe, you are going places. Isn't he, doctor?"
Dr. Schlong won't let Pepe leave the clinic.
"I need him for research, Mrs. Telebenta – badly."
"Doc, I want to go to the football game."
"Sorry, you are too important for science."
Dr. Schlong takes off his tie and ties up Pepe.
"We're not losing you; are we, Sugarman?"
Sugarman and the nurse tie up Pepe.
Bill struggles with Dr. Schlong, who is intent on changing his gender.
"This is all illegal. I don't want a sex change. I'm a regular guy."
Mrs. Telebenta yells out, "My boy Pepe – I knew he was going to be famous."
To the top of this page