Back to Shane Allison's Artist PageTo the Artist's Page                  Back to the Unlikely Stories home pageTo our home page
Kicking & ScreamingTo Shane Allison's previous piece     Someone in Wyoming Loves MeTo Shane Allison's next piece

Hair, Scalp and Skin Oil Makes for Great Lube

I jerk-off in the bathroom that used to be my sister's
before she found out she was pregnant and as a result
had to move out to get her own place.

Water trickles down my fat body into the crack of my
cheddar-cheesed ass. I discover the essence of my pubic
hairs on the floor of the shower.
A black, wired and jagged existence.

The hunger to whack off before bed, comes on
like a hard-on in my head.
Eight hours ago I did it in the stall of a southside Burger King.

I open the medicine cabinet thinking what lube I will
use this time. I usually go with Vaseline but frankly, I'm bored
with the stuff. Every man who has ever jerked off, uses petroleum jelly.
I contemplate using cavity protection toothpaste, but the last
time I did that, my cock felt like it was on fire.

Never use something that is meant
to fight tartar and plaque build-up,
something that's going to leave you with fresh breath.

I've put my penis through so much.
I hope after twenty-eight years, it won't fall off
and shrivel up like a dead animal.

What do you do when you love to play with yourself?
Bobby Howard, a jerri-curl activator spraying freak
used to call it "beating your meat."
Shane, were you in the bathroom beating

your meat? he asked as if eighth grade boys aren't supposed
to jack-off. Acted like he's never done it before. But I do.
I want to beat my meat covered in skin-tone cream.

Vitamin E and Aloe ices the head. I don't want to bleach
my cock like Michael Jackson bleached his skin.
Just lookin' for a good lubricate to get off to.
They say Listerine kills germs that cause bad breath,

but will it do the trick to make me shoot loads or dry me up
like the Sahara Desert? There's nothing like working up
a good lather with hand soap, for it works the longest for handjobs.

This is all fine, but it's been done before. There's still
the cough medicine. Gold Bond for athlete's foot.
Visine gets the red out, but can it get the cum out?
Tie my balls with unwaxed floss.

Think I'll try the hair, scalp and skin oil this time.
It's in a large bottle and promises miracle results.
I hope so, cuz I'm as horny as the devil who is two seconds away
from grabbing the cold sore cream to bust some ejaculated juices.

To the top of this pageTo the top of this page