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Daddy Thinks I'm a Child Molester
i wake up crying age five and my dad walks in and smacks the shit out of me until i pass out again
on a family values sesame street vacation age sixteen, while watching deliverance, my dad grabs my shirt and screams in my face while waving his fist around "ILL FUCKING KILL YOU KURTICE"
grey white walls chrome bed unstable bent sound grey wool blankets fat science fiction book sleep on table broken wall mirror slat windows street tan walls wiry trees billboard writing on walls says
"I HATE ALL NIGGERS AND COPS SHIP THEM BACK TO AFRICA WHERE THEY BELONG"
i wonder why cops should be shipped to africa, even though i hate them. i would rather they all simply wasted away from leprosy. flights of genet. i plummet through clouds in a direction i cannot tell, my arms and legs each nine feet in length, plummeting for hours, tiny houses dot the landscape below me, i touch the landscape like the surface of a lake, my finger pierces through, moving around in what feels like cartilage and tendons, through the face of a lipless mouth i can feel teeth scratching my finger. long haired white heads rectangular window shaved black heads toothless mouths can i have your tray if you're not going to eat it i wake up to see three men peering into my cell. i eat a piece of cake with butter and beans and give the rest of my tray to a crackhead. the inmates watch westerns on the tv. i tell the cop i made signature bond and he frowns at me, a pulpy clown face. my creativity has dwindled, and i can't force myself to care about anything. reading the book i can't remember, it mentions schiele, and briefly describes his life. died at 28 the day of his wife's funeral. my heart burns for someone.
just about everyone i know is a liar. the police lied to my parents about the arrest warrant only being in effect for 24 hours. they came three days later to arrest me. my dad lies to the police about me violently attacking him for no reason, he was the first one to attack me, after my mom tells me to DO IT, KILL YOURSELF! my parents lie to my sister about what happens, she blindly believes them until i convince her to doubt them. all police are liars. it's a hard fact of life. my uncle calls up and says "I'm looking for a coupon out of the thursday newspaper" meaning he wants some gossip about the fight, which happened on thursday. everyone tells their respective lies, just about everyone who lives in their yuppie cavities, parents lie to their children to conceal the truth for no good reason, kids lie to their parents to escape their wrath. whites lie to blacks about not being scared of them. we all lie about not being suicidal. the liars live in a spiderweb of their own false reality, nothing is real to them, lies are easy to notice, all cops are liars, and violent bullies. if you live in a fantasy world of lies, a nightmare of false reflections in the mirror, i'm glad. you deserve your burial above ground, lie about love, lie about children, lie about your beliefs, lie about who you are, lie about how the world is. conceal the truth. everyone is a liar.
DRIVEWAY & BASEMENT
after drinking 6oz of wine mixed with 8oz of beer, dad comes down the stairs. i see him posing like andy worhol and firing his index finger at me, with a yuppie voice, telling me to turn my music down. i turn it up. he says something else, threatens me with physical violence if i don't turn it down. he leaves the room, and i black out, i see myself, walking around basement, slamming trashcans around, punching walls, beating a chair against the floor. IM SUICIDAL
DO IT, KILL YOURSELF mom screams
i grab her by the arm and point my index finger at my head
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
i yell at her, angry at her for all the times she's laughed in my face, made me feel like shit, beaten me up when i was too small to defend myself, and likewise. dad pushes me. i grab him and push him harder against a wall. he takes off his glasses, i can smell his beer breath, his face two inches away from mine, he furiously walks up the stairs. i stand in the basement holding a tailpipe, to keep him at a distance. he walks into the garage and comes back in holding a shovel which he angles towards my neck, as if to behead me. i lock myself in the bathroom. i come out of the bathroom and walk outside, ready to leave, he follows me, breathing down my neck, and pushes me in the driveway. although he has plenty of money, not counting his unemployment checks and all his assets, he yells at me while pushing me
MY FAMILY IS GOING TO LIVE IN THE STREET
while grinding his teeth
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT LIVING IN THE STREET
i push him into a pile of trashcans, and he turns around and punches me in the face, blackening my eye. i grab my face and stumble backwards, then i come back at him, knocking him as hard as i could in the face. he falls over, and tries to kick me, i hit him again and again, i grab him by the neck, then i bend down and bite a piece of flesh off of his nose and hock it into the street. he lays there, out cold, while my mom dials 911 and i run away.
i lay in a pile of leaves outside a baptist church on the corner, breathing heavily, i fall asleep for an hour or so, wake up, and wander to austi's house, staggering, dizzy from being struck and drunk, thirsty.
some men think they're kings, and wonder why they get mistreated by everyone else. people are vile creatures, to find one that is friendly is a rare and wonderful thing.
i tap on the back door, cog answers the door. he lets me in, gives me water, i tell him what happened, i call my house. mom tells me dad has a broken toe and a broken nose. he has neither. he only pretends that he does. she tells me i can come home to get my cigarettes and socks. i come home and get them and return to austi's house. austi comes home, gives me some ouzo, we smoke cigarettes, camel wides, and talk. he tells me i don't deserve all the bad things that have happened to me. gives me several hugs, and i fall asleep next to him in his house wrapped in his old boyscout sleeping bag. i wake up, my eyes floating like fish through the white blue sky, warm drops of rain pattering on my face. i don't feel an ounce of remorse for what i did, and think dad deserved what he got. i refuse to take peoples abuse.
dad watches my face as i watch the various colored backpacks worn by children walking home from school. i play connect the dots with them. dad sneers at me, driving without watching the road. he swerves a little. daddy thinks i'm a child molester. thinks i'm looking at the kids' asses.
they take my shoes and socks, ask me if I'm suicidal. no. if you say yes, you lose all clothes, get a lead vest, and no blankets in a freezing cell. i was in a room with two men. one of them had beaten his wife. the other was not talking. i take a piss. not talking watches me, along with a cop. they leer at my balls as i drain my piss. a couple hours later, we are booked. fingerprints, i tell some lady i'm gay, thinking i might get special privileges. a prostitute? once or twice. TB test? no. i get one. burly black man makes me take a shower with another burly black man, naked in a shower stall with him. comes into my shower, adjusts the temperature on my showerhead, touches my ass. comes back into my shower, adjusts the showerhead, touches my leg. leaves into his own shower. comes back in to touch my cock. i leap out of the shower, get dressed without drying off into a bright orange body suit. i am put into a five man holding cell with 20 men in it, two of them are beaten so badly they bleed onto the floor. i sit on six inches of a wooden bench. a man gooses me with his foot, i knock it away, furious and ready to kill. i sit wrapped in a blanket, concealing my entire body, a few hours later, we are taken to personal cells. an officer reads me the rules, he hates noisy people, and i have an urge to shriek at the top of my lungs after he tells me. i get two hours sleep, and am then woken up for court.
inmate1: that bitch say she knew my face, but didn't know my name, i shoulda picked a different name, this name i picked is wanted by the FBI, my name is a good name
inmate1: the fat bitch come up and say she know my name, know my face, i say she don't know me, but this name i picked it wanted by the FBI
inmate1: she say she know my face from last time i was in here, damn i shoulda used my own name, cause the one i picked, wanted by the FBI, that fat bitch come up and tell me she know my face, damn
inmate1: if i woulda used my own name i wouldn't of got in so much trouble, i didn't know this name i picked wanted by the FBI until now, damn i gotta tell them i picked a different name
inmate1: this name i'm using, its wanted by the FBI
inmate1: the lady sheriff say she don't know me, but that fat bitch do, she say she recognize my face but not my name, i shoulda came clean then, this name i'm using wanted by the fuckin FBI
inmate1: my name wanted by the FBI for coke an sheeit. i can't believe this sheeeit.
inmate1: my name wanted by the FBI, she say i'm talkin to them affer TV court, this bullshit, i gotta come clean, they know it ain't me affer they check the shit, i even had shits on my fingerprints so it came up somebody else
inmate1: wanted by the FBI, i cant believe this shit, this fuckin name, mothafuckas, listen nigga, this name wanted by the FBI, i need to get my own name back, i cant be doin no otha motha fockas time motha fucka
inmate1: wanted by the FBI, i cant believe this sheeeeyit. make me wanna kill cops
inmate1: fuckin possession of a crackpipe and now i pick a bad name i wanted by the fuckin FBI
inmate1: i gotta get rid of this name
inmate1: gotta get rid of it
WAITING ROOM FOR TV COURT
so what you do kid
beat up my dad, he hit me first
he ain't gonna pay yo bail affer that asswhuppin you gave him
yeah he will
i was playing indoor soccer i come out of the place and police are everywhere. say i ran from the cops. i did, but i was running from three men in trenchcoats chasing me down the street, undercovers who didn't identify themselves
i want to extradite to expedite
not guilty or guilty
i'll take that as a not guilty
i got caught with a crackpipe in a parking lot, i'm gonna pay my 60 dollar bond and get the fuck out of here
shower fag leers at me
you are charged with one case of domestic violence, 6 months in prison or up to 1000 dollar fine, how do you plead
you are charged with one case of domestic violence, 6 months in prison or up to 1000 dollar fine, how do you plead
i get a phonecall from my therapist at social services telling me i can get out and go to mental health court because of my psychopathic disorder and my medication, tell me to plead not guilty.
a 400 pound inmate wearing a 7x size body suit steps on my foot, and i almost cry out. we sit in the cramped waiting room for several hours until everyone has spoken into the microphone facing a television elucidating the judge and the courtroom. some argue. i drift into my imagination, sleep sitting up, dream of austi, beer, drugs, poetry. my face is pinched out of hate and fear.
we are shackled and dumped into a van that drives us to court. we wait in a cell, then are lead into the courtroom. staring at my hacked up arms.
a fat mexican giving a blowjob gets a whack on the head with a night stick, as they lead our group into the cell. i remain terrified of getting raped. all of our eyes are wide, one kid paces back and forth in the cell screaming about how his daughter found a dead body on the steps on the back door of her house, and called him in the middle of the night
call the fuckin police, what are you calling me for?
he tells us he stole a 2000 dollar clarinet, and got arrested when he tried to sell it back to the store. i give my sandwiches to someone. the blacks joke about pretty white boys and bitches
there are a lot of pretty mothafuckers i can't have!
small sam was a big brutal motherfucker, raped that kid in the shower, someone killed him two days after he got out and buried him on that big hill.
i remember him, i went to school with that guy. i drift into subconscious. hours later, i am transferred back to my personal cell
juj: you are going to be released on a signature bond to the mental health court
juj: until then you are to live with your parents and do whatever your father tells you
juj: if he asks you to lick his foul onion ballsack you say YES
me: YES just don't put me back into jail sir, i'll do whatever you ask!
juj: you are not to do any drinking while on your medication, is that clear?
juj: if you do any drinking, you're coming back to jail, and i'm gonna rape your motherfucking ass myself
juj: if you don't make it to your court date, i'm going to issue a warrant for your arrest, even if you're fifteen minutes late. it is your fathers responsibility to get you there, and if he doesn't, he's going to jail too
juj: now go sit down. you are to be released tonight.
i go and sit down, my other inmates applaud me, and i flash them a smile and point at them. i agree to give a friend of mine my sandwiches for lunch. the other inmates approach the stand.
the crackpipe man gets a week in prison and a 60 dollar bond. the soccer kid gets a 1200 dollar bail for that night, which his mother pays, the rest of us snicker and laugh at him, he has a lawyer. they take us back to the cell, and i squeeze one of my hands out of my handcuff, and put it back in, out of boredom. i think to myself, i hate the 70's.
BEFORE BOOKING, HOLDING
i call austi's house, his dad answers, angry at me for calling from jail. i'm trying to reach austi. his dad calls my house, tells my parents to have me stop calling. no fucking problem.
now i sit here, drinking my mead, unable to leave akron ohio for a year, on forced medication. social services plans to get me an apartment, and a job waits for me late night in a grocery store, stocking shelves. austi tells kime i'm in jail at rite aid.
i lay in my cell, listening to screaming in my head, it never stops. i can hear loud screams, of every pitch and sex imaginable, coming out of every pore in my mind, and the pores in the walls. i read people magazine. i read book. people open my cell door, i tell them to leave me the fuck alone. my mind drifts into delirium. i remember bits and pieces of writings, they flood into my mind in various pitches and forms. at ten that night, the police come to get me. sleepless and hungry, i wad up my belongings, and walk from the cell. we are in a room, they give us back our personal belongings, we all get dressed and tell each other were gonna get drunk tonight. they lead us in a clump down the hall, and release us into the throbbing frigid winter night.
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