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tired, exhausted, restless, starving, satiated, thirsty, drunken, shrieking, silent, terrified, agonizingly lonely, my mind full of voices and sounds, my eyes full of hallucinations and blood, intoxicated with hatred and love, bleeding and beaten into fury, ignored, hated, poor, forgotten, and unloved, i crawl from the recesses of your elitist and hypocritical society, your foul and cruel concrete cage teeming with wretched vermin crawling to their graves, i crawl from the dungeons of your toilet deafened by the roars of television and radios, stained with bad art and fame garbage, i crawl from the filth, unwanted and hateful, to bring you another stinking carrion, another junkheap of mutilated hatred, to you, and all the bilge and rot that I've been forcefed, all the suffering and rejection I've endured, a pitiful and blood saturated volume of hatred from just another one of society's wasted and suffering pointless wretched and simple deprived and policed lies.
ass was born in toledo. he grew up in a chrome, lower middle class home sleeping on a crooked bed made of bars and boards, causing his back to grow crooked, his awful posture causing his head to appear if it were sprouting neckless out of his shoulders and sideways, his eyes rolling forever back in his head, seething with fear and hatred towards anyone that might notice him. ass was dropped off the roof of a moving vehicle when he was a child, forgotten atop. at age two he was locked in the trunk of a immobile car propped up on cinderblocks in his parents' driveway for three days before he was let out as punishment for pissing in his pants. at age three his mother sat him down at the kitchen table and handed him a glass of liquid, being unusually benevolent to her son. he drank happily, but afterwards vomited all over the table, and had violent heaves of coughing blood the entire night, so was locked in the basement, punishment for stealing one of his fathers pornography magazines, full of gay teenage boys strapped to crucifix shaped bondage devices and tormented by large black men. one of the pictures portrayed a young boy with wistful blond hair, his asshole propped open about four inches with a circular wooden vice of some sort, steel electric clamps attached to pink mounds visible deep in the asshole, possible intestines, the boys face a listless mask of agony. at age four, ass stepped on a bear trap his father had placed in their backyard to ward off intruders. ass passed out, and was taken to emergency where his big toe, and another toe were amputated due to the rusty state of the bear trap, and he was given shots for tetanus. a grotesque limp made his youthful appearance even more pitiable, and his sisters and mother would often vomit at the sight of him, or fling objects at him when he entered the room. he began to stay in the basement, where his parents would leave plates of food at the top of the stairs. at age five he brought home a stray dog, and kept it in a cage for the entire year that he had it, prodding it violently with broomsticks to release his anger, feeding it piles of food full of glass and splinters, and masturbating with its bloody excrement. at times he toyed with the notion of killing the animal with a kitchen knife, but enjoyed torturing the creature and instead decided to set raccoon traps in the woods. when he caught one of these creatures, he would drive sharpened eight inch pikes through their torsos, and hang them from the playground equipment at the local grade school. he grew more creative in his murder of the small animals, hammering nails into the creature's ears, slicing off the hind legs and releasing the animal on the expressway, or wrapping the creature's genitals in tight rubber bands or dental floss, and keeping it alive until the cock and balls turned white and rotted off, after which he would stuff the castrated animal into the cage with his dog, who would ravenously tear the little beasts to shreds after a few mutilations by the mad raccoon. his mother once walking in on him assfucking his sister's cat in the bathroom, chained him in the backyard after giving him an enema with scalding hot vegetable soup. he lay there for three days, shitting out the soup with his blistered colon, until he was released, and at age six, after swallowing his tongue and being taken to emergency, had a cigarette put out on his lips after he asked his mother for a kiss and closed his eyes, started grade school with a throng of kids who teased and beat him violently every chance they got, the teacher also joining in on the wretch, who would limp silently around, not speaking or looking at anyone. each night was spent falling asleep to the television in the basement, which didn't get any stations clearly, he had no friends, save the one or two girls who would sometimes speak to him out of pity.
one day, a new student arrives, thin as a rail, sallow blond locks of yellow hair traversing coiled shoulderblades and prominent neckbones, the delicate animal wore flower pattern cloth dresses, and pointy black shoes that inspired in ass emotions he wasn't used to feeling. the teacher introduced her as hamburger, and that she had a speech prepared for the class.
"hi boys and girls, my name is hamburger and i just moved here from san francisco. i was put in a foster home here, because my grandparents live here, and the state thinks it will be more healthy for me. do any of you know what a transvestite is?"
someone chimes in
"a boy who dresses like a girl or a girl who dresses like a boy"
"that's right. I'm a transvestite, I've been dressing like a girl all my life but I'm really a boy. my older sister would dress me up like this, and stick wooden spoons and vegetables in my asshole when i was two or three. sometimes she would make me drink robitussin, then she would beat me in between the legs very hard. sometimes her friends would come over to spend the night and they would dress me up like a little girl and tie my up on the bed. they put strap on dildos on and fucked me in the ass while i was crying, then put out cigarettes on my cock and balls. once my sister's boyfriend assfucked me while she watched, and they greased me up and wrapped me in plastic wrap and my asshole bled and i fainted. my sister killed herself a year ago, she was a schizophrenic. i kept on dressing up like a girl and crying all the time and my parents didn't want me, so my dad beat me up and beat up my boyfriend. my last teacher found out and i was put in a foster home, here. my foster parents say its ok that i dress like this as long as i get good grades, don't do drugs, and don't walk the streets."
"ok class, lets give her a round of applause"
the class clapped, and hamburger took a seat next to ass, flinging back her hair. ass glared at him hungrily. on the playground they played together, sat on the swings and talked. becoming friends, hamburger got ass to smile once or twice, and he asked him why his body was misshapen, and he had to walk with a cane at such a young age.
"i step in beartrap and they cut off my toes"
"that's horrible, you poor thing"
hamburger hugged ass. eventually, hamburger agreed to go over to ass's house to play. ass snuck him in around his parents, fearful that they would chase her away, as they hated the fact that ass would have any sort of companion that might not treat him with impunity.
"did they really do those things to you?"
"my parents do mean things to me too, they beat me and they starve me, and my dad cut off my dog's leg
"why did he do that"
"i drew on the sink with a marker"
"poor thing, why do you keep that dog in the cage? he looks sick, almost dead"
"the dog is mean it bites people"
hamburger looked frightfully at the dog, afraid.
"i don't ever want that dog to attack me, my old boyfriend's girlfriend sicced her dog on me and it bit me and wouldn't let go, it yanked and tossed me around and i needed stitches"
"why did she do that?"
"she saw my old boyfriend sticking his cock in my asshole in the bushes"
the two of them became inseparable, even once hamburger kissing ass on the cheek. hamburger came over to ass's house on a regular basis to play and talk with him, until ass's mother caught the two of them in the basement, tore out some of hamburger's hair and struck her until she fell down. she made ass beat her some more, as he sobbed and struck her until she bled. mother drove the wretched child down the block and dumped her into a pile of garbage, taking ass home and scrubbing the callouses violently off his feet with a wire brush, as he grimaced and screamed, made him eat a bowl of cigarette butts, tossed him down the stairs, passing out at the foot of them. the next day, bandaged up, hamburger refused to talk to him. ass followed her everywhere screaming and crying for her, she refused to acknowledge him, acting as if he didn't exist. ass followed her home, and she locked herself inside. ass's pursuit of her went on for a week or so, until the teacher took notice, and told ass to leave her alone, or his parents would be informed of what was going on.
ass grew sick and angry that night, and lay in the basement crying and dropping droplets of boiling water on his caged dog whose screams began to sound vaguely human. growing more and more lost in depression and pain, ass drags the dog's cage into the backyard, where sits his treehouse, lugs the cage in there, leaving it, closing the door, walking back to his house despite the animal's whimpers. he lays in the basement, beating his head against the furnace, which scorches and peels the skin from his head. he misses school the next day, hiding in a garbage can on hamburger's walk to school. hamburger misses school too, ass attacks her with a brick, knocking her out cold in the suburban street and dragging her by her hair back to his house, to the treehouse where he dumps her body, locking the treehouse door. he reaches through a window with a rake and undoes the latch on the dog's cage, the scarred and ravenous creature limps out of the wire cage and sniffs at hamburger's body. hamburger eventually comes to, and begins crying as she sees the animal, which draws back at her screams and whimpers. hamburger pisses her panties, and backs into the corner, shrieking for help, until the animal grows infuriated, and attacks her, mauling her leg and jerking her back and forth, until her screams become labored and her face becomes a mask of pain. limp, the dog lets go. hamburger stands again, this time the dog mauls her skull, dragging and flinging her bleeding body around. terrified of what he had done, as if it had been a dream and not entirely possible, ass reaches into the treehouse with the rake and bludgeons the animal until it cowers in the corner. he unlatches the door, finishing off the animal by beating it with a rake and stomping on its head. dragging hamburger into the woods by her hair, he wrapped her in barbed wire, raveling up her legs and body, torso and arms, gagging it around her face and eyes, around her neck in an enormous knot, dumping the frail body in a pile of garbage, leaving as she emerges back into consciousness, sputtering wheezing sounds, help me, i love you, she cries, and ass leaves her, tangled and bound tightly in barbed wire, buried beneath a mountain of fast food wrappers and burnt out light bulbs. making his way home, he sleeps on his wooden and chrome cot in the basement.
ass awakes sometime during the night to his mother's balding head hovering over him, he feels pressure in between his asscheeks, and sobs to himself, curling into a ball, pretending to be asleep, his mother's insults ringing in his ear of her hatred and his complete and utter uselessness. passes out, wakes up the next morning to find blood clotted and dripping from his asshole. he limps to the bathroom and shits, with a searing pain, the shit sticks in his ass, piles in the john in bloody heaps. he screams and limps upstairs, crying
"my bottom is bleeding!"
shit and blood drools down his legs
"stop crying you little shit"
his mother strikes him across the face with a rolling pin knocking him against the wall, where he passes out, and wakes up on his stomach in a hospital bed to a sound of beeping. he feels an agonizing pain in his backside where three masked surgeons hover over him, and begins to scream. he jerks and feels a searing pain, as a scalpel digs into his asscheek.
a shot in his arm, he passes out again, and wakes up this time post surgery, in the recovery room. a masked doctor talks to him.
"we removed a razorblade from your asshole, someone had shoved it in there, inserted it very deep. do you have any idea who could have done this?"
ass is put in foster care. he breaks down crying for no reason, lives in a tiny attic and sleeps under his bed, terrified. one day at school, having to go to the bathroom, the teacher forces him to go with a buddy
"I WANT TO GO FUCKING ALONE"
"settle down ass, or it's straight to the principal"
"I HATE YOU AND I HATE ALL OF YOU"
the class laughs, and ass storms down the hall with a young boy holding a hall pass and dressed in a fluorescent orange vest to signify him as a hall monitor. hall monitor bears a proud face and follows him to the bathroom.
"go ahead ass"
"leave me alone"
ass walks into the bathroom, drops his trousers and sits on the toilet. his ass which has healed loosens, and shit dribbles out into the bowl. he is wiping when the hall monitor bursts through the stall door, laughing at his exposed genitals. hall monitor flings a wet paper towel at ass, laughing continuously, a girl behind him her jaw dropped open at him exposed. with his pants at his ankles, ass lunges at the hall monitor, grabbing his head and beating it against the toilet seat knocking out two of his teeth. he grabs his own shit out of the toilet and smears and shoves it into hall monitor's face. he wipes his ass on hall monitor's face, the girl runs from the bathroom crying, ass breaks the toilet seat from the can and puts it around hall monitor's neck, yanks the lid off the back of the toilet, and breaks it over the kid's skull which caves in slightly, grimacing the kid falls over, ass taking a shard from the broken cover ramming it into his face, shoving it deep into his skull until it remains fixated where his nose once was. ass takes another shard jamming it into the kid's mouth, another and another, into both of the kid's eyes, a teacher walks in, and seeing the mess, screams and rushes from the bathroom. minutes later, the principal enters, dragging ass off the hall monitor and into the halls of the school, the children watch, asses body greased with blood, his pants at his ankles, he laughs and screams at all the children, and ass is put into a state institution for the underaged criminally insane. after a brief court hearing, elucidating the child's subhuman upbringing.
two years later, ass is released into the custody of his grandmother, a drunken woman who lives in a trailer with her lobotomized teenaged lesbian lover. grandmother makes food for the two of them, dumpy her girlfriend in a constant leer through her rotten teeth, white encrustations all over the corners of her mouth, a giant hideous scar covering her shaved head that the grandmother sometimes licks with a blistered tongue through white missing blank eyes. ass sees a therapist each week, and takes medication, afraid of the therapist being an authority figure, ass lies to her, telling her what she wants to hear, and remains living in the trailer. after a few months of freedom and home schooling which entails his grandmother reading to him the tv guide while he sits jittery and nearly catatonic from taking too much of his medication and subsisting on a diet of eggshells, motor oil, whiskey, and catnip. one night ass awakes from a bad dream and finds a stray cat standing on their bed, he grabs it and twists its torso, and with a shriek it dies, he takes and buries it under the trailer where he sleeps, after urinating on his own asshole. the next day he flees terrified into the backwoods behind the house, running for three days in one direction and passing out next to a river. forest rangers find him and he is returned to custody in the state mental institution for another three months before being released to another foster home, this time where he resides with two younger brothers. it is a religious household, he is forced into catholism and is taunted by his two brothers who play soccer, ass can't walk without a cane, they mock and pick on him due to his infirmity, one day taking his cane and breaking it over his head, and forcing him to play a game of soccer, him vs. the two of them. he tries his hardest, but they trip him, kick him in the ass, bounce the soccer ball off his head, leave him face down in the mud and tell him they'll kill him if he tells their parents what happened.
one night, ass wakes up from a bad dream of his mother, limps to the garage and gets a small hatchet, bludgeoning his older brother in his sleep, and dragging him into the backyard where he pulls off the kid's pants and underwear, and rapes him while he's out cold while strangling him with the hatchet handle and weeping. he chops the kid's loins into hanging jibblets of crimson meat with the hatchet, and the kid wakes up, his hands clawing into the mess in between his legs. he punches ass in the neck, and runs a few steps before passing out again, while ass digs a head shaped hole in the yard and buries the boy's head in it, shoving the handle of the hatchet up to the root in the kid's asshole, the head of the ax protruding and resting point on the arch of the asscrack. out of his head, ass runs back to his mother's house, along the side of the road, barefoot, limping on his cane, exhausted, crying, banging on the door with the cane, and a complete stranger answers, smiling vaguely at the child through the screen door, before closing it in his face.
homeless for half a year on the streets, ass lives off garbage and booze he is occasionally able to get. covered in warts, the child wrapped in rags, is indecipherable from the piles of garbage that line the streets, and one day, a car pulls up beside him, a woman driving. ass recognizes her at once as his mother, his eyes glow and he enters the car.
"you've been a very bad boy"
she says her balding head flapping in the wind open window station wagon.
"killing all those people"
"i'm sorry ma'am"
mother pulls into a vacant lot and glares at him with empty eyes, then bends over him, undoing his fly, taking his erection into her mouth.
"a very very bad boy"
his mother says to him in between slurps. ass gasps and writhes, his hands clawing grease stains slapping on her balled spot. ass comes in her mouth, and she looks at him and pats his head. she loops a noose around his neck, and pulls the car into drive.
"i don't wanna die mommy, please don't kill me"
"i wont kill you ass, remember all those bad dreams you've had about mommy? this is just another one, and soon, you'll wake up and be just fine"
ass sobs in the passenger seat, nodding. she pulls up next to a few trees scattered on the curb, gets out of the car, opening the passenger door, flinging ass over her shoulder and carrying standing him on top of the car, tying the noose to a branch, then getting back into the car, and stomping on the gas pedal. ass slips off the car, and hangs writhing in the noose two feet above the ground.
he wakes up in the arms of an angel, that carries him wistfully through a snowy glade, smiling down at him with a mirror face, smiling back at himself, grass tickling the sides of his head, whiskey pouring into his eye sockets.
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