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A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints
Dan Schnieder reviews the movie, April 2008
"There's so much wrong with this film, yet I wanted so much for it to be good because I was predisposed to emotionally 'like' it. After all, it's ostensibly a tale about growing up in a tough working class neighborhood of Queens, New York, and dealing with all the varied temptations that such a life and environment offer- i.e.- a slice of my own youth. Why would I NOT be inclined to like the film?"
The Quiet Earth
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, March 2008
"Like most films in this sub-subgenre, it falls prey to tropes that undermine it- the first being the predictability of sexual or racial conflict (two for two), and the second being following the Dumbest Possible Action, wherein characters do really dumb things no one would do in real life, just so the film can move along."
Bitter Rivals
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Fifty-Five
"Logged-In Public: We are the future. Soon, everything will be done online. The Sardine buys his books and movies off the Internet. Soon he will have a custom made car assembled on a web page and never have to see the smarmy face of an automobile salesman again. Even the Newspaper-Reading Public checks out the Associated Press and other news reports from Yahoo or Comcast or AOL before they get a paper delivered to their house."
The Power Behind the Paper
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Fifty-Four
"Kingdoms flourished with coins. Nations had paper money. We are now in the era of post-modern nation-states that started with checks, credit cards, and ATMs. Individual currencies will soon be worthless. Dollars, euros, yen, and the rest continue to exist as anachronisms. The same way we still use paper currency. The reality of the money card will mean that the global state will expand and absorb the old nation states."
Kagemusha
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, February 2008
"Thus, the question of the film is whether or not a person is an individual, or the presentation of a series of facts— appearances, quirks memories, that invokes seeming individuation. One might argue that Kagemusha made a better Shingen than Shingen did; thus opening up the query of whether or not superficial gestures can sometimes be the essence of a person."
Lacombe, Lucien
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, January 2008
"Yet, not that far behind has to be Louis Malle's decision to cast the lead character for his 1974 film, Lacombe, Lucien with an amateur named Pierre Blaise. No actor would likely be able to capture the natural ferality that Blaise brings to the role of a none-too-bright French farm boy who unwittingly, at first, becomes an accomplice and collaborator with the Gestapo in the final months of Vichy France, in late 1944."
The Universe Like the Internet
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Fifty-Three
"Logged-In Public: Maybe through the Internet God will finally breakdown and communicate with us. It's been awhile. Ever since the Jews pissed him off when Moses brought down the ten commandments, he's been sort of scarce."
A Sardine on Vacation, the Movie
'"Sard's the new Rocky," said Joe T.
No way.
"Sure. You're the underdog who broke into print and against all odds the column became popular. You fought your way to get recognition. You were the David who slew the Media Goliath."
I thought I was Rocky. But, that aside, my book is not cinematic. Has no continuity. Completely plotless.'
The White Diamond
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, December 2007
"This film starts with an overview of the history of flight, especially the non-mechanical sort, and, of course, ends with scenes of the Hindenburg disaster in Lakehurst, New Jersey, in 1937, which kyboshed the dream of lighter than air vehicles as practical instruments of travel. Then, the film follows the obsessive modern flotative folly of aeronautical engineer, Dr. Graham Dorrington, of St. Mary's College in London, England, and his attempt to use a miniature blimp (which is diamond shaped and white) to circumnavigate the forest canopy in Guyana..."
Zombie Park #2
by JamieLepore-AKA-brace
"the Psycho
the Weedhead
the Downer
the put ME! down---er
THE DROWNER OF SPIRIT"
What Friends Really Want
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Fifty-One
'Typically, the social rejection meant less to Joe than a figment of an ephemeral writing project less certain to happen than his reading Finnegan's Wake. A few days later, though, back at his booth in the Attic grinding out the sentences, he saw me at the bar.
"Sard, you didn't really mean we weren't friends."'
Throne of Blood
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, June 2007
"...in watching this film, I have come to the conclusion that while there is a minor influence from Macbeth, it is in no way merely a Japanized version of the Bard's play. There are just too many significant differences, as well as the clear power and influence of the Noh Theater on this film, which is absent from other historical Kurosawa classics, period films called jidai-geki."
Quintessential Quentin: Book Two, Parts IV through VI
by Bryon D. Howell, June 2007
'He said, "Now listen, bitch, you know you're mine;
there's nothing you can do, you won't escape.
I'm begging you, cum once, you'll be just fine!
Slap me around a bit, I'm yours to rape!"'
Le Petit Soldat
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, June 2007
"Le Petit Soldat (The Little Soldier) was the second film written and directed by Jean-Luc Godard, pioneer of the French New Wave of filmmaking, and after the unexpected success of his first film, Breathless- a banal, poorly acted, and dull attempt at (or satire of?) film noir, this second film was greeted with a swift banning in France..."
Don't Write
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Fifty
"There was a silence. He kept looking at me, expecting me to ask why he wanted to know how to spell 'desert.' As it was, I was pained that he had asked that and not 'dessert.' That would have been more palatable. Was he writing a letter or doing a crossword, I asked myself. Oh, it didn't matter what I did because Joe was going to tell me."
THX 1138
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, May 2007
"It had a combination of Oriental zeitgeist and European technique, and moved at the pace of the Eastern European animated sci fi film Fantastic Planet. It was thoughtful and literate and, vis-à-vis his later crap, only begged the question, 'Whatever happened to George Lucas?'"
Bundle of Joy
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Forty-Nine
"I'm amazed to ponder the prospect of the Puritans in Massachusetts not celebrating Christmas as a gift-giving holiday. In that sense of Puritanism, I would love to see the end of our contemporary celebration of Christmas. Get rid of the music first, then slowly get rid of the presents, except for those who still believe in Santa Claus."
Autumn Sonata
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, May 2007
"The whole film basically revolves around the tensions between a famous pianist, Charlotte (Ingrid Bergman), and her visit to her emotionally fragile and bitter eldest daughter Eva (Liv Ullman), a four-eyed frump, who lives with her pastor husband in a vicarage. Bergman always seems his best when two female leads are front and center. He may be the best director of actresses in cinema history, and certainly the best writer for them."
Quintessential Quentin: Book Two, Parts I through III
by Bryon D. Howell, May 2007
'I asked if he would stay and have some tea ...
off came his clothes and on the couch he laid.
"Oh," he said, "but you'll be drinking me."
I said, "You ain't all that, I ain't afraid."'
Short Cuts
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, April 2007
"So, overall, the good outweighs the bad, and most of the good tends to be the 'lighter' tales- but nothing approaches greatness because there is nothing deeper here- no dramatic resonance, as in Nashville, nor even the comic M*A*S*H."
The Passenger
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, April 2007
"If Hitchcock was the master of the Hollywood thriller, based upon suspense, then The Passenger is a thick lungy spat on its corpse. The film is also far more relevant today than when it was made, for two of its major themes- identity theft and the senselessness of war, and its profiteering- are far more prevalent today. "
A Matter of Existence
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Forty-Eight
'"Logged-in Public: What happened to Pellatier? Why did he give up wanting to meet you?
He knew his reason for existence mattered no longer. We should all be so lucky.'
Belle De Jour
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, March 2007
"This predictably banal bad boy, of course, sexually excites the perverse Séverine, not for who he is but because he is a walking talking caricature. Yet, worse still, than even this stale quotation of a stale quotation, is that, after Marcel becomes obsessed with Belle, and she leaves the brothel after Henri finds out of her profession, the thug hunts her down to her posh apartment, then waits outside for Pierre to return home and shoots him."
Juliet of the Spirits
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, March 2007
"...like many of the first color films made by directors who started in black and white, Fellini seems to overdose on the new medium, with color schemes that seem off the charts, and which tend to bleed over into one another. However, given the oneiric quality of the film, this is not necessarily a bad thing, especially since this was at the start of 1960s psychadelia, and Fellini was supposedly affected by an LSD hit at the time."
Pursuit of Identity, Part Five
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Forty-Seven
"Why was Pellatier so impelled to find the Sardine? Was there something in, say, an unblessed column that would have given him the answer? Or were there remote familiarities weighing on his unconscious which had stimulated the curiosity cell? The last article perhaps? He also wondered how could have maintained the search for so long a time. Had he been fired from his job? But when? Had one of his own columns not been blessed?"
Even Dwarfs Started Small
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, February 2007
"...like its American predecessor, Freaks, is simply one of the oddest films ever made. Bad critics have praised it for all the wrong reasons- such as being a statement on politics, the Vietnam War, the partition of Germany, against religion, and prudish ignorants have condemned it for similarly wrong reasons. Yet, few have ever watched it all the way through with unsparing eyes."
Success as Failure
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Forty-Six
While Joe T. and Antigone are pleased that I published the column about their marriage, Sardine 45 represents an ominous development. I could go like that for four months and not write anything new. Also, it would please others greatly, especially Frank Weathers, whose existence more and more depends on my mentioning him.
Worse, the Today Show and Newsweek have contacted the Sardine for interviews.
Horizons and Intersections 2
by Derek von Essen and Don Pyle, February 2007
Horizons and Intersections continues.
A Non-Column
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Forty-Five
"The brute reality was that Joe T. had never spent four months with any woman! He anticipated losing interest in Antigone. Unfortunately, this fear of losing interest was tantamount, for him, to his actually losing interest in her. The best part of breaking off with his other girlfriends was the forestalling of personal gripes and arguments. He tried dropping all of his girlfriends before they would have an argument."
Soylent Green
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, January 2006
"Director Richard Fleischer, who was a good studio director (all work, no vision), and son of cartoon legend Max Fleischer, proudly trumpets the cordless phone and other predictive bulls-eyes in his commentary with the film's female co-star Leigh Taylor-Young, who played Shirl. Overall, it's a fairly good commentary, not too heavy on the abysmal critical fellatio that is the norm."
The Big Red One
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, December 2006
"The tale is straightforward, and told from a GI's perspective, rather than from some omniscient eye in the sky. It is lean, filled with little moments, shorn of much visual poesy, yet, despite that, it is very poetic, albeit in totally different ways than the films of Malick and Coppola, which were self-conscious art films, in the best sense of the word. As in all of Fuller's war films, we know these men from just a few brushstrokes, but they are not stereotypes..."
Whity
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, December 2006
"It's one of those films that is so highly stylized, so earnestly trying to be deep and/or profound that it is instead really, really bad; but in the best possible sense of the word bad. It's so bad a film that it is often hysterically funny. This starts from the very notion of Old American West gunslingers sprechen in Deutsch, as well as having them speak German even though all of the signs and Wanted Posters are in English."
Pursuit of Identity, Part Four
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Forty-Four
"Further, the man's habits, like waking at noon and staying awake until dawn, were more a writer's than an insurance agent's. Writers also cultivated eccentricities, such as exaggerated smoking routines and stylizations of behavior. The Sardine realized how much these "pet" behaviors irritated everyone. Because he could no longer change these habits he did the next best thing and purged them by writing about them."
Horizons and Intersections
by Derek von Essen and Don Pyle, December 2006
"Our environment changes so frequently that it's difficult to imagine the earth's surface as full. Humankind's sprawl over open territory combined with our skill at adapting to new environments poses the question: Do we notice the changes around us? As we transform, degrade and obliterate our natural surroundings for the sake of urbanization and new development, is our progress marked by how far we will go or how much space we have left on this planet?"
The Serpent's Egg
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, November 2006
"...the film is set in 1923, in Germany at its economic low ebb and German Expressionist artistic peak. An injured American Jewish trapeze artist named Abel Rosenberg (David Carradine), who is constantly drunk, finds his brother has killed himself, leaving a paranoid suicide letter about 'the poisoning of the people'. He then finds out that many of the people he knows are ending up dead, and he is the prime murder suspect of a Berlin police inspector named Bauer..."
Censorship
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Forty-Three
"The censor cannot afford to make a mistake. More to the point, a dictator better not err in judgment, as Nikita K. found out the hard way when he allowed A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch to be published. Grindgrad might actually advance the Sardine's cause by removing lesser, more frivolous, or simply less Sardine-like material. Calling him a censor, perhaps, doesn't seem fair."
Rear Window
Dan Schneider reviews the movie, November 2006
"No, it's certainly not a bad film, by any standard, and is a pretty good one, but it's not one of Hitchcock's best, much less a great film, or deserving of any place in the Top 100 Films lists of the last few years. Technically, it deserves many plaudits, but what really fails is the screenplay, written originally by John Michael Hayes for a radio play, and adapted from a short story by Cornell Woolrich."
Social Pets, Part Three
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Forty-Two
'"He's like the guy who is hired," Frank interrupted, "can't do the job, but the employer can't get rid of him. That's why he is continuing to write this column. Not because anyone reads it. If the Sardine had a large following, he would be famous and we wouldn't be having this conversation."'
Melinda's Leg
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Forty-One
"Sardine, it distresses the hearts of all confirmed bachelors that even you couldn't resist the longing for security that a relationship promises. Believe us, the security and happiness are illusions. Men are solitary animals. They can't stand company or caring or too much sentimentality."
Non-Books, Part Two
A Sardine on Vacation, Episode Forty
In which A Sardine on Vacation betrays every principle he claimed to stand for, and crushes our dreams like the British approaching Spuyten Duyvil.
