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You cannot mention the Kennedy assassinations without the most ridiculous opinions coming from the mouths of people from whom you can no longer disassociate yourself.
As it happened, the Sardine was speaking about Edward Kennedy to McNulty, reminiscing over candidates for President who never made it. McNulty thought Ted would have beaten Reagan in 1980; at least, he would have performed much better than Carter. But it's also difficult to keep a sitting President from the nomination of his Party.
"If it weren't for Chappaquiddick," McNulty mused. "You almost have to believe the family's cursed."
I don't believe in curses.
Wal-terr interjected: "Do you think Oswald acted alone?"
"We're talking about the youngest brother," sneered McNulty.
"Yeah, so do you think he could have done it?"
Frank Weathers ambled over, his hair appearing a bit grayer, which the Sardine thought an impossibility, a toupee graying on its own.
"I remember I was in the Navy up in Newport when I heard he had been killed. Just came from k.p."
"I don't think Oswald was too good a marksman," said Wal-terr, "to get only two hits on his target."
How did we get started talking about this? Nothing incensed me worse than conversations butted into except for claims about Oswald's shooting ability. Maybe he got lucky.
"There were at least four shots," Joe T. interjected, "maybe six or seven."
Joe was a self-proclaimed expert on the wounds and the autopsy, studying every detail from every book. He maneuvered the conversation to his favorite aspect of the event.
"Do you think Jack felt anything during the headshot? People alongside the parade route were hit with brain matter. Do you think the shot came from the grassy knoll?"
"No," said McNulty emphatically. "This conspiracy crap was settled years ago. The Zapruder film was digitalized on a computer and showed the body moving forward before snapping back."
"What do you think Jackie was thinking? All the blood covering her. Crawling onto the trunk of the car to retrieve part of the skull."
"Some organization had to plan it," said Wal-terr, "no individual could have done all that. Not shoot the President. Killing him changed history."
This amused the Sardine, if only because it confirmed a couple theories he had heard about the conspiracists.
Ours was a bureaucratic world that slowly but surely has eroded the sense of individual responsibility for all consequential actions. The effect has filtered through our society, and it's now inconceivable for people to believe an individual could perform so profound an action.
Second, complementing the first, in a world of increasing isolation and alienation, where people either cannot tolerate differing opinions or have retreated to an insular if not illusory nexus of mechanical instrumentation, a community of conspiracists has emerged suffering over or cheering for every twist and turn in new books and documentaries about the assassination.
"There were a lot of spooky links to the Lincoln assassination," said Frank. "The number of letters in Booth's and Oswald's names are identical: 15!"
There might be a third theory possible, one nearly unspeakable but encompasses those who are attracted to such coincidental details.
"At least Lincoln's was the result of a real conspiracy," said McNulty.
"Most people believe there was a conspiracy to kill JFK," said Wal-terr smugly.
"Who do you think did it?" asked Joe T.
"C.I.A. most people think." Wal-terr replied. "Personally, I go all the way with LBJ."
"Has to be the Mafia," said Joe. "Christ, Giancana practically admitted it. He was sick of sharing his mistress with Jack."
"Everything's a conspiracy," Wal-terr added, "McNulty's right. After I had the fight with the FBI guy, I couldn't get a job anywhere in this town. The word was out on me."
"I was just talking about Lincoln's death," said McNulty.
The Sardine couldn't take any more of this talk and deferred to Wal-terr's earlier premise that most people thought some cabal did in Kennedy. If this assertion was true, it proved to the Sardine precisely the opposite point.
From the start many people suspected more than one shooter and disbelieved the Warren Report. Not him.
"Look at all the people who died connected with the investigation," Joe asserted.
"How do you explain...?" Frank Weathers began but was interrupted.
I don't care about any of the facts. I base this opinion as I tailor most of mine: on a simple maxim.
THE MAJORITY IS ALWAYS WRONG.
Only when a majority believes that will the sentiment be wrong!
Had they heard what I said or only the vehemence with which I had expressed this view? It wasn't meant as a conversation killer. Frank responded first.
"You're probably right. I know when my kids tell me I shouldn't take out the jet-ski because I'm fifty-five years old, they don't know what they're talking about."
"Yeah," said Joe, "most of Antigone's relatives are against me marrying her."
Again, silence. Disbelief this time. Whereas the Sardine's opinion didn't come unexpectedly....But Joe T. getting married?
"I took the plunge," he smiled. "Her dad was the only one who thought it was a good idea."
"I guess Joe's life is over," said Wal-terr.
"You see, Sard," Frank said, "we agree with you about that 'majority' thing."
"Do you want to shoot yourself now or after Joe's wedding?" asked McNulty.
With the prospect of Joe T. becoming a parent, maybe I should just tear my eyes out.
The Sardine's essays, articles, and stories have appeared around the Internet in the last few years at 3 A.M., Facets, Eclectica magazine, Fiction Funhouse, The Fiction Warehouse, 5_trope, and several film journals. Who and what he is probably will be revealed at various points through the articles appearing at this site. The first fifteen installments of his saga can be viewed at the old Unlikely Stories.