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"What sentence did you get?" Wal-terr asked when I returned from the Health courts.
The crew at the bar should have come to the court.
"I won't get you a drink until you tell us."
"The local news didn't report it," Frank Weathers snickered.
"Attacking the foundations of the Health Utopia was tantamount to criticizing Mother Theresa," McNulty commented. "No air time will be made available."
"What about Kevorkian?" asked Frank. "He's always in the news."
He's the Utopia's Satan. A handy villain. I'm completely uncomfortable with the guy. There's nothing personal about his actions. Which doesn't surprise me. He's a goddamn doctor.
"That Kevorkian stuff gives me the creeps," said Joe T. "How long you'll be in the slammer?"
Any mention of mortality unnerves Joe T., although he's not so squeamish about watching the JFK headshot in slow motion on the Zapruder film over and over. He often wondered aloud, at anytime, regardless the conversation he would be in, whether Kennedy had felt the impact the fatal bullet.
The Sardine was put on permanent health probation.
"That was severe," said McNulty, who used the moment to hand his billing fees to the Sardine. "Monthly check-ups. Can't smoke or drink. He must lose 35 pounds in a year's time."
"What if you don't lose the weight?" asked Joe T.
I'll have to pay $100 per pound for every one of the thirty-five I don't lose to the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon.
"I wouldn't worry about the smoking or drinking," said McNulty.
There's a fine attached for violating either prohibition.
"They never enforce prohibitions."
Are you going to defend me the next time the Health police arrest me?
"Only if you pay the bill for my work on this case. The officials are counting on one of two things: either you will quit drinking and smoking or you'll continue and get in worse shape so that you'll need a doctor."
"If he starves himself," said Wal-terr, "then he can be treated for malnutrition."
"They don't enforce the law," said Frank, "because too many doctors drink and smoke."
"That makes sense," Joe T. catechized.
Not enforcing the law or doctors smoking?
"Whatever."
The Logged-In Public (just waking up): What? How? When? The trial's over? You're not going to tell us...the testimony...the drama...the verdict.
There wasn't any testimony, drama, or verdict. Further, I have to be sure never to indicate when a cigarette is smoked or a drink drunk in this column.
"Screw that," said Wal-terr.
They're afraid I'll influence children to do these things.
L-I P: Children read this junk?
"Can I drink the non-alcoholic stuff?" asked Frank Weathers.
Oh, you guys can drink. I just can't report it.
"It won't be the same," said Wal-terr.
L-I P: We can't believe we missed it.
There was nothing to miss.
L-I P: You were denied due process. Take it to the Supreme Court. Or sue someone.
What the...you people wanted to see me hung out to dry.
L-I P: We wanted a great court battle. It makes for great reading.
Well, the court didn't go for my trial by ordeal idea.
"Did you challenge the judge to a shots drinking contest?" asked Wal-terr.
I was thinking on the lines of backgammon or a chess match. Against anyone of their choosing.
L-I P: There's something more to this. Come on, spill it, Sardine.
"Have a...?" asked Wal- terr.
You're a pal.
L-I P: Isn't that a violation?
I didn't write anything.
L-I P: You better be careful. And don't try to put us off. Why did you plead guilty? We thought you were a fish of principle.
"Can't you let him be," said Wal-terr. "Otherwise, I'm going to have to kick you guys out."
L-I P: You and what army?
"Just me."
"I'll be seeing you," said Frank.
There's no reason to start anything because of me.
"They're a bunch of jerks," said Wal-Terr.
L-I P: Do you want to settle this here? Does he know who he's dealing with, Sard? How many there are of us? A great force of civilization!
"I'm shaking in my shoes already."
L-I P: We represent a vital if unsung group in society who keep things on an even keel, maintaining virtue, good morals, and a general standard for truth.
"What did the judge's sentence say about violence in your columns?" asked Frank.
L-I P: Weren't you leaving?
"I wanted to see...."
The court wasn't happy about the "snail eaters" column. They didn't think I showed enough respect for the guy who died.
L-I P: He broke a record!
Actually, the judge cited the fact that the feat was in the Guinness Book of World Records. And the column before that about "death wishes," well, they thought the word "death" was inappropriate anymore.
"Why?" asked Frank.
Because it reminds people of the last thing they want to be reminded of. A sort of "negative thinking" thing that will bring down everyone's spirits and hurt the general performance level of the population.
L-I P: There's a smart judge.
Then he related the negative thinking to my personal habits, my disregard for my health....
"People need to get drunk," said Wal-terr.
There's no Health court of appeals.
The Sardine's essays, articles, and stories have appeared around the Internet in the last few years at 3 A.M., Facets, Eclectica magazine, Fiction Funhouse, The Fiction Warehouse, 5_trope, and several film journals. Who and what he is probably will be revealed at various points through the articles appearing at this site. The first fifteen installments of his saga can be viewed at the old Unlikely Stories.