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I asked McNulty what he preferred to be:
- the Sardine's imagined father
- Joe T.'s imagined father
- Frank Weathers' imagined brother
"You don't give a man much of a choice."
To be Joe's imagined daddy would make you the "Father of Tragedy."
"Hold a gun to my head and the most I'll admit is to having spawned you."
I know you could not have survived Frank, as your sibling, second guessing you for sixty years.
"Worse than that," said McNulty, "is the prospect of being the granddaddy to Joe's spawn."
Something you would never have to worry about with me.
"I never considered it noble never to have children until this moment."
The Sardine doesn't avoid children, but he does deny himself a role in the propagating of the human race.
Logged-In Public: If you had your own children, you would think differently.
No, I wouldn't. If we are going down this road, let me be clear and separate my not liking children from my not wanting to bring children into this world.
L-I P: There's a difference?
Yes. Actually, I never expected to get through life without having kids. I have just been very lucky. Put another way, I would have accepted my fate. Not gladly. Just inevitably.
L-I P: You were spawned, either gladly or mistakenly. Don't you owe it to yourself to generate life into being?
Knowing what I know – NO!!!
L-I P: That's a bit harsh.
"What did you expect," said McNulty, "from someone who said: 'my basic problem is that the human species doesn't deserve to be perpetuated'?"
I was arguing against the prolongation of human life. I wasn't saying that we should stop procreating.
"You are saying that now!"
L-I P: Isn't it a little late to stem the tide, Sard? How are one or two of your potential spawn going to make life worse?
I am not so worried about the overall population numbers. I would want to have control over the way my children would be.
L-I P: You can never control how they turn out.
I am speaking about their influences. What will I have to deal with? Nothing less than little consumer trainees. They will take their cue to want and desire things from sources outside the home. Consumer versions of Pavlov's dogs. And where would I stand when I denied them the things they wanted? Things that every other child has but I won't let my kids have them. I will be viewed on par with the Jehovah's Witness parents who won't let their kids celebrate birthdays.
L-I P: Rightly so.
I'm amazed to ponder the prospect of the Puritans in Massachusetts not celebrating Christmas as a gift-giving holiday. In that sense of Puritanism, I would love to see the end of our contemporary celebration of Christmas. Get rid of the music first, then slowly get rid of the presents, except for those who still believe in Santa Claus.
"Ah, our son does have a soft spot in his heart," said Honey
"Stop calling him our son," said McNulty.
Today's middle and upper classes, and not just in the United States, are using up the planet's resources. More children will mean a greater load on the planet. The human race has no chance. I am doing everyone a favor by not having kids.
L-I P: Sure, but how do we know that "the person who would be the Sardine" doesn't have a massive brood?
You don't. Perhaps the Sardine is being used as an intellectual conscience for his creator. Does that weaken my argument? Maybe this column is about atonement. A way for the author to live with himself for a bit longer.
"Oh, so the column will be continuing indefinitely," McNulty said.
More Sardine columns will be spawned.
L-I P: More bundles of joy coming into the world!
Bob Castle is the author of A Sardine on Vacation. He has had two other books published this year: The End of Travel, a comic memoir and send up of traveling abroad (Triple Press) and Odd Pursuits, a collection of stories (Wild Child Publishing). He is regular writer for Bright Lights Film Journal and has over one hundred fifty stories, essays, and articles published. The first fifteen installments of his saga can be viewed at the old Unlikely Stories. Episodes One through Forty-Seven of A Sardine on Vacation (with five semi-canonical additional episodes) are also available in book form.