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Vivo Mutt

Vivo called me on the phone one night.

“I want to kill my girlfriend’s dog, dammit! It’s this little poodle shitzu fuckin’ mutt that always attacks me for no reason!” he screamed at me--

I lit another smoke.

“Dude, dogs ain’t bad, just make friends with it, give it a chunk of rotten cheese or something,” I said, puffing on my smoke.

“You just don’t get it, do you! this fucking dog man, I’m telling you, it hates me for no reason, and every time my girlfriend goes to work, it attacks me and shit, I’m serious dude, it’s the dog from hell. It must die, I got it locked in the closet right now as we speak! Dude, if you are my friend you will help me kill it, or at least come over right now!”

“Are you on coke or something Vivo?” I asked.

“Well, no shit, what does that have to do with anything?” he demanded, sniffling his nostrils.

“Oh jesus, alright, I’ll come over, but I ain’t going to help you kill your girlfriend’s dog, got it? and you better have some damn weed.”

“You got to dude, come over, I swear this dog is ruining my life, and that stupid bitch loves the dog…!”

“I’m on my way dude, is your girlfriend at work for a while?” I asked.

“Yeah dude, she works ‘til 3 a.m., I swear dude, this dog, you will see, it’s evil man, all it ever does is attack me.”

I hung up the phone and found my car keys, heading to Vivo’s and his girlfriend’s apartment, fully drunk, to meet the dog Vivo wanted to kill.

He buzzed me into their shithole small apartment.

I pound on the door. I could tell Vivo was peeking out the peephole.

I kicked the door.

“Lemme in you dumb fucking idiot!” I yelled, kicking the door again. Damn, I’m very impatient at times...

Vivo opens the door, smirking his half-crooked grin. Joint of shit weed dangling from his mouth. He hands it to me. I puff it.

“Fag,” he says. I push my way in, opening his fridge to see if he has any food I could eat. There was nothing in the fridge but 3 shitty canned beers, and an empty pickle jar with the juice still in it. I took a closer look at the pickle jar; I could see it was somewhat of a science project with mold floating around in it.

I heard a whimpering animal sound coming from the closet.

“Where’s this beast at?” I asked Vivo.

“In the closet dude, I don’t want to let it out, it will just attack me again.”

“It’s some li’l shitzu mutt, fuck, open the closet dude. You wuss,” I said.

“Hold on, you open the closet, I’m gonna go hide in the bathroom, cause it will just attack me man like it always does, you will see, open the closet,” Vivo said, running like a wuss into the bathroom and locking the door.

“Jesus dude, you are such a fuckin’ pussy!” I yelled.

I opened the closet.

Sat on the couch.

Lit a smoke.

And this li’l shitty dog stuck its head out, it was sorta crawling along the smelly carpet. I hit Vivo’s bong.

“Here puppy puppy puppy,” I said, smiling at it.

“It ain’t a puppy! It is the dog of Satan I tell you!” Vivo screamed from the bathroom.

The little shitty-looking dog jumped on the couch and started licking my hands all-quick like. It started staring at me.

I petted its head.

“Good li’l doggy, li’l puppy poo poo, you a good boy, ain’t ya li’l poop-lickin’ doggy.” The li’l mutt wagged its tail, licking me more.

“Dude! Ain’t nothing wrong with this dog, it’s friendly, man. Now come out of the bathroom Vivo! Now!”

Vivo slowly opened the bathroom door, sticking his head out. He saw me and the mutt sitting on the couch. The dog was sitting on my lap licking at me.

“Fuck that dude, how did you do that? That dog hates everyone but my girlfriend!” Vivo screamed.

“Horse shit, dude, this dog ain’t bad,” I said, while it licked at my face.

Vivo slowly walked out of the bathroom.

Saying…

“Make sure you hold it dude, that dog hates me.”

Vivo sat on his chair next to the couch and as soon as the li’l mutt caught a whiff of the Vivo man, it started doing this gnarly snarl with its lips, puckering and growling.

“See dude, what did I tell you! Look at that thing, it hates me!” Vivo said, pointing at the dog.

I petted the dog’s head more, but it just kept staring at Vivo and growling, snarling, drooling…

“Dude!” Vivo screamed.

“Man, Vivo, the thing about any animal is, if you show fear, they won’t trust you man, it’s just a li’l mutt, it ain’t gonna hurt you, chill out man,” I said.

Just as I said that the dog took a flying leap from my lap and lurched at Vivo’s throat, snarling.

It just missed his jugular.

Yet it clung onto his ankle and began tugging away at his skin in heavy sputtering snarls, its head tugging sideways in fast forward motion.

I was rolling around on the floor, laughing my ass off, as Vivo screamed….

“Dude! Dude! Get it off me! Dude I’m serious!”

He swung his ankle around, sending the mutt into a flying spin against the glass balcony window.

I couldn’t stop laughing. Vivo looked so scared.

I started puking on his carpet I was laughing so hard.

I grabbed the li’l shitzu fuck mutt and threw it back in the closet and shut the door.

“That’s the gawd damn funniest thing I ever saw!” I said, laughing at Vivo, rolling around on his puke carpet as he looked at his bleeding ankle in a huge panic.

“That fucking dog is evil, look what it did to me!” Vivo screamed, staring at his bloody ankle.

“Eh ha eh ehahahaha eh eh eh aha ha hahah,” I muttered, pointing at Vivo.

“Fuck you! You gonna help me kill this fucking dog or not? Damn you!”

All I could do was laugh at Vivo.

“Gimme another bong hit, or a line of coke you freak, and we’ll figure something out,” I told him.

We both stared at the closet and heard the damn mutt making all these whiny animal noises.

“Eh hahahaeh ha ha ehh ahehehahahahaha,” I laughed again, rolling around on the carpet.

“What time’s the old lady get home?” I asked him.

Vivo was wiping his bloody ankle with a wet paper towel.

The mutt was scratching at the closet door.

I opened his fridge and stole a beer.


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