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Fourplay

Characters:
Alan: playwright, about 35 years-old.
Jan: psychiatrist, tv talk show host, around 30
Roger: politician, about 35.
Lana: ex-actress, married to Roger, about 35

Setting: Alan's apartment

(Alan has a writing table in front of him, with a pad of paper and pen, and he writes during the play.)

ACT I:

JAN: When you are relaxed you will recall.

ALAN: (takes a blue pill; shakes head) I can't remember even the climax.

JAN: You need sex-ray vision.

ALAN: The play went on forever.

JAN: But you only had a nap.

ALAN: Creativity has no time limit and words can't be put in a space capsule either.

JAN: Why don't you keep a pen in your pants and a tape recorder near your ears?

ALAN: I've had an earful already!

JAN: Is your pen overflowing?

ALAN: Leave your Freudian interpretation back at your office.

JAN: Alan, you mean to say orifice.

ALAN: I'm the playwright, you're the shrink, remember?

JAN: Is that all I am to you, a personal psychiatrist? That's what all men really want.

ALAN: But what do you want, Jan?

JAN: I thought I wanted you, but all you want is your new play; your foreplay can wait for another time.

(Alan takes another pill.)

JAN: You are supposed to take only two a day, not two at once. Read the instructions.

ALAN: You're not my mother.

JAN: I wonder about that.

ALAN: I'm sure you lose sleep over it. All you want is to be amused.

JAN: Well, after listening to people's lives divided by dishonesty and misery I expect something lighthearted.

ALAN: Then put on music. You chose a playwright.

JAN: You were once my patient.

ALAN: Only in the hospital, not privately. I had no choice about seeing you. But you unprofessionally sought me out.

JAN: I went to see your play. It was a delight.

ALAN: You came to see me in my dressing room and you undressed. Very unprofessional.

JAN: I guess I told you in body language what I felt about your play for me.

ALAN: I didn't write my heart on my sleeve for you, yet you wanted the confession from an atheist.

JAN: I didn't judge you.

ALAN: How divine of you. You wanted me to be your god - that was your first error - and the second was having a romantic, once Catholic soul.

JAN: Don't psychoanalyze me or you will have a role reversal in your play which I know you are writing right now, and I know your audience is already watching.

ALAN: How well do you know me?

JAN: I know you aren't well.

ALAN: I don't want your pop psychology diagnosis; leave that for Channel 4; and I'll tell you, your re-runs are getting redundant.

JAN: That's not what my fan mail says.

ALAN: Those males are desperate...all they want is to screw you up as you've probably done for them in a minute of feminine advice.

JAN: You're the only one who doesn't listen to me.

ALAN: Maybe that's why you love me.

JAN: Think again. I've had an affair.

ALAN: Why bring it up now that I'm only in the first act?

JAN: I had to, because in two minutes Roger will be here.

ALAN: The punctual politician who lost the mayor's race.

JAN: By a handful of votes, because you wouldn't get out of bed.

ALAN: I'd never put him over the top. That's your job. Don't think I didn't suspect when I saw you on the TV spot on the campaign trail...

JAN: That was my only endorsement.

ALAN: I'm glad we never made any nuptial agreement. Roger is married, of course.

JAN: He's in limbo...

ALAN: Another product of a parochial life and education.

JAN: I hear the bell.

ALAN: Why don't I write him in? I could use another character.

JAN: He's more charismatic than you. Just promise me you won't get dramatic.

ALAN: It's my profession, like Roger's is to seduce campaign workers and kiss other babies... I know your desire is only to have a man give you one.

(Jan goes to the door and opens it. Roger stands in the foyer.)

JAN: I'm not ready. Alan and I have been arguing.

ALAN: Come on in.

ROGER: I don't want to disrupt your day.

ALAN: Or my life.

ROGER: I will wait outside.

ALAN: But it's raining and raw out.

ROGER: I appreciate the concern with my health.

ALAN: Sorry about your mayoral election defeat.

ROGER: No thanks to you. Jan said you didn't vote.

ALAN: I'm not as political as Jan.

ROGER: It seems that you are political in your plays.

ALAN: I'm glad you are an admirer.

ROGER: And patron of the arts. (Read) my platform.

ALAN: Do you know that Jan wants one of us to make her a mother?

ROGER: Excuse me...

ALAN: But you only kiss other people's babies...

ROGER: I have had two of my own... almost in their teens.

JAN: I'm ready, Roger.

ALAN: What's your hurry? Have a drink, Roger.

ROGER: Don't mind if I do... Jan, I've just come from a city council session where a citizen tried to kill us all. Some said he was of the right, others said he was an anarchist and only cared for animals and not human beings. I had seen him before. He tried to rip off my mother's fur coat during the mayoral campaign. Not that I don't believe in animal rights, but my mother had a shock and stroke and shortly after had to be hospitalized.

ALAN: I was hospitalized once and Jan here came to my rescue. I had a breakdown...

ROGER: I'm sorry to hear that, Alan.

ALAN: That's how Jan and I met, over intravenous.

ROGER: Did you try to take your own life?

ALAN: Yes, but I'm a neurotic. That's what Jan tells me. Isn't that the diagnosis?

JAN: That is a personal matter, between us.

ALAN: But we are all friends, aren't we? Give Roger another drink. He's jumpy from the melee at the city council. I'll put on the breaking news on the TV. There you are in living color, Councillor Roger.

ROGER: Well, how would you like to be shot at like an animal?

ALAN: So am I right to ask what rights do I have as a lover?

ROGER: None covered by the law as I see it.

(Roger bangs his hands on Alan's writing table.)

ALAN: Well, you cannot let me take all these pills tonight.

JAN: I don't think I can leave Alan. He's very disturbed.

ROGER: I need to be with company after the shooting. Those TV reporters will be at my house for an interview, and I'm not up to it.

ALAN: Isn't that what you politicians most enjoy - publicity?

ROGER: Don't you theater folks have a publicity agent, Alan, when your plays are up in lights?

ALAN: My fans come to see my plays whether it's in the newspaper or not.

ROGER: After a grueling campaign, when my life is not my own, I'm tired. I'm ready for a breakdown myself.

ALAN: Well, you've come to the right house and Jan is an expert when men have problems; I can corroborate what you feel.

ROGER: As a playwright you can't know exactly what I'm feeling right now because you don't know me as an individual and you haven't known me long enough to find me out, even my DNA.

ALAN: How profound of you, Roger, but I can admire you as a playwright tonight. I will find out exactly what you are about and perhaps expose you to the public in my play.

JAN: Nothing is lost on Alan. He is a great reader of character. If he were clinical he would take my job away from me.

ROGER: Is that so?

ALAN: We can work and have pleasure all together.

ROGER: Are you guys into threesomes or sex swapping?

ALAN: Speak for yourself, Roger... I heard from the grapevine you were a manic depressive alcoholic, wife swapper, drug dealer and molester.

ROGER: You're a liar - even though you are kidding with me. Let's get out of here, Jan. This is worse than being at a city council meeting.

ALAN: Not so fast. I wanted to tell you that your wife Lana was the star of my early one-act plays.

ROGER: She never told me.

ALAN: I think Lana never told you of our closeness. Before my breakdown she was my confidante and lover.

JAN: I had no idea.

ALAN: Nor that your first child, Alan, is mine.

JAN: How come you never wanted a child with me?

ALAN: Perhaps you could, Roger. I used to support Lana even on a young playwright's budget until he came along and took Lana away from me.

JAN: I found a woman's picture in your hospital room but I had no conception...

ALAN: You never asked.

JAN: You could have confided in me. You tried to kill yourself. Because Lana left you.

ALAN: You were just my doctor.

JAN: I still am. But you never mentioned that you had children.

ALAN: It's too painful for me to talk about. I haven't' seen my son when I lost all rights.

ROGER: Maybe we could make an arrangement.

ALAN: Does Melville think he is your boy?

ROGER: Of course.

ALAN: Keep it that way.

ROGER: He is a creative, unlike the others.

JAN: I hope he hasn't got your nerves or temperament.

ALAN: He has a British head, a French heart, an American eye.

JAN: Pity him...

ROGER: Would you mind if I stayed over? I can't look at my family right now. First someone of my own party tries to kill me; then someone in our family does not tell me about my son's real father.

JAN: Did you ever bother to ask her anything personal?

ROGER: Apparently, Lana refused to talk about Melville. She always made her take her to the opening of each of your plays.

ALAN: At least she never forgot that I put her something of her in each of the women in each play. I can't get over Lana or that she gave up the theater. She was a born actor.

ROGER: Until her first birth...

JAN: I can understand what you men did to her life.

ALAN: And what about my life? I was not procreative after Lana left me for you. Every part I wrote was for Lana.

ROGER: So you must despise me.

ALAN: You are not good enough to despise. You are a pol...

ROGER: I almost was your mayor.

ALAN: Why didn't you ask for a recount? You only lost by a whisker.

ROGER: I would look bad.

ALAN: And no one would consider you in the future?

ROGER: Exactly.

ALAN: Are you on the outs with Lana?

ROGER: You might say that... I'm actually not in with her. (he belly laughs.)

ALAN: So you want to take Jan from me as you took Lana...

ROGER: They came on to me as well. You wish the madman had assassinated me tonight, don't you? Don't you, Alan?

ALAN: You aren't worth it. Jealousy will only help my new play I'm writing as it always helps me with my love life. Isn't that true, Jan?

JAN: You are the writer; we are merely your players.

ALAN: And do you play dirty like politicians?

ROGER: I ran a clean campaign.

ALAN: Jan has a clean kitchen and doctor's offices.

JAN: He wants us to feel guilty; though he won't admit it, he still believes in original sin.

ALAN: Jan, I don't have any belief in your higher power except in power for its own sake. Isn't that right, Mr. Politician, with your slogan of power to the people?

ROGER: What makes you think because you are an artist you are so righteous and above the people?

JAN: Alan wants to be his own god and have his fans worship him.

ALAN: Thanks for your analysis.

JAN: Free of charge.

ALAN: I won't pay. I've already paid my dues with you. Why don't you both get lost?

JAN: Where would you be without me?

ALAN: Maybe I would have Lana.

ROGER: Perhaps not.

ALAN: Why not invite her over?

ROGER: I will call her but she might not be willing to come over.

ALAN: Try, although Lana doesn't look too pleased.

ROGER: (goes to telephone and calls Lana) Yes, I'm all ready. Could you come over to this address? I'm upset and I need you. 120 Commonwealth Avenue. Yes, now. (hangs up phone) She will take a cab. She's afraid of the reporters camped out on our front lawn. She wants desperately to get away from them.

JAN: I've poured us some wine and set out the brie.

ACT II:

(The bell rings. One hears a cab pull away. Roger opens the door.)

ROGER: You know where we are.

LANA: I come here with open eyes.

ROGER: If not open arms...

LANA: Do you blame me? Let me be honest; it was right here I rehearsed with Alan.

ROGER: He is here with his doctor and his lover, Jan.

(Jan and Roger enter.)

LANA: After seeing the attempted assassination on you, no assignation can frighten me.

ROGER: Did the man confess it was me he was after? There was so much confusion, in the council hall.

LANA: I think the deranged man hated you as much for your politics as for something personal, but that is between you guys at the hearing.

ROGER: Perhaps it is nothing personal.

LANA: Knowing you, Roger, everything is personal.

JAN: I'm Dr. Jan Polansky.

LANA: I've seen your program on television, but never felt the need for your advice. Alan, nice to see you with your creative juices intact. I can always tell when you are ready for love, creativity or war - that is, writing a play.

ALAN: I could never fool Lana.

LANA: Alan was always ready for action when I was here.

ALAN: You inspired me.

JAN: I wish I knew Alan then.

ROGER: Before you all come down on me I'll say that this has been a day of life and death for me in many ways. I didn't mean to hurt any of you. I was just planning to go out with Jan. She was going to rescue me after the assassination attempt. She is a doctor, after all.

ALAN: Among other things.

JAN: Let me speak for myself. I've been involved with Roger since the early days of the campaign.

LANA: A woman knows.

ROGER: Then why didn't you say anything?

LANA: I was waiting for you to be a man.

JAN: How bourgeois of you... And I thought of you, Lana, as a free-spirited bohemian.

LANA: I've adjusted to married life.

ALAN: Sorry to say.

LANA: Alan, I know you blame me for your breakdown.

ROGER: No, he has a new target now.

JAN: He will be paranoid about all of us. In his conspiratorial mind he already has put us on his index cards and we are facing his inquisition and he will excommunicate all of us until he uses us for his new play.

ALAN: I hardly think any of you are innocent.

JAN: Except you who are god.

ALAN: Screw you all who have betrayed me.

(Jan goes to his blue pill box and takes them forcibly away from Alan.)

ALAN: None of you are worth my life.

ROGER: You think you are above me.

ALAN: You think because you are a political being you can enslave others. I hate police states and could not live in a totalitarian environment.

LANA: Yes, I lived with a politician who repeatedly told me he was for the needy, and he was needy for me and I fulfilled his need. But no one can fulfill Roger's deep needs. If you think so, Jan, with all your psychological insight, just live with Roger for one day. He is an ideological phony. He has no real values except to care for himself.

ROGER: I'd like to find out who is without sin...

LANA: When a man like Roger speaks religiously then you know he is about to blow us all away with hypocrisy.

ALAN: Like Jan's hippocratic oath.

JAN: Not many women would put up with your neurosis.

ALAN: Such martyrdom!

LANA: I know Alan hates me for leaving him, especially between two successful plays.

ALAN: Well, the critics said you were right for the parts, but you wanted Roger. You wanted to escape from me to a well-known up-and-coming politician who was one of Argosy's 100 most eligible bachelors.

LANA: He couldn't even win an election for mayor.

ROGER: I came pretty close. Listen, guys, can I see the news? It's ten o'clock. (he puts on the tv) There's a bulletin. The assassin escaped jail with the help of an unknown armed guerilla band and has killed the newly-elected mayor. Now the runner-up, mayoral candidate Roger Theron, will assume office in September. (seeing himself on tv) Hey, that's me! That's me!

LANA: Not if I have my way. I'd like to expose you.

ALAN: Maybe the assassin or his gang will strike again and be lucky again.

JAN: No, Roger here will be well guarded.

ALAN: One can't guard or trust anyone these days. Isn't that right, Roger? First you are a closely defeated candidate; now you are our mayor. Anyone to drink to it and I'm sure the media would love to tune into our tete-a-tete and the critics will enjoy the play. I am currently writing about us all. I'm hoping Lana will be our star for revival of her career. If Roger can have a political revival and resuscitation, surely Lana can have her comeback too, and I'm the one to bring it about.

LANA: I'm through with you, Roger, and I've been through enough with you, Alan.

JAN: I'm through with both men as well, though I'm pleased Roger has not been a loser in politics nor Alan a loser in this drama.

ALAN: Perhaps even a religious revival will take place after the political and theatrical one.

JAN: And you, Alan, will play god.

LANA: Yes, we are only his star, his shrink or his public defender, and you will need a friend like Roger once he takes power in this city. He can be ruthless.

ROGER: Yet to my friends I can be good. For starters, Alan, I'd like you to represent the city's arts council. You will be able to have any theater of your choice the city can offer you for your plays.

ALAN: I thank you, mayor elect.

ROGER: I thank you all for the support of people like you. I must go make my personal appearance before the cameras.

LANA: I now thank my noted playwright, artistic director and my own personal make-up man, my husband Roger. I must go too.

JAN: I thank the good Lord for allowing all of our lives. I must leave you, Alan.

(Roger, Lana and Jan leave the house. The lights suddenly go out but a huge screen descends and the play is reenacted.)

THE END

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