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Balloons

Like my tux? When I first saw this sack of shit, I got spooked. I figured it came from a fucking funeral home. All slit up the back, you know. That’s how they slip jackets around the stiffs. Makes it easy. This one’s got a back, though, so who knows where it came from. Smells like moth balls.

I don’t mind the cigarette holes, though. Honest. But this dandruff gives me the creeps. I don’t want to, but I start thinking about the guy that wore this tux before me. Dandruff Dan. Yeah, I can even smell him. Wherever I go, I take Dan with me, sitting on my shoulders. I take him places he’s never been. Like last Saturday night, for instance.

Joey told me it would be easy. Well, maybe it is for him cause he’s been at it so goddamned long. Joey must be pushing thirty. But he’s in good shape. He’s a ballroom darling, and all the old bitches love him. I have to admit, he’s smooth.

But hey, I’m no Joey. He says I can be a ballroom Casanova. Maybe he’s right. I hope to god he’s right. I’m coming up short on possibilities about now.

You won’t believe how much I practice. If I don’t, I’ll be a fucking clown tonight. It’s Sadie Hawkins’ night at the Blue Fox Room. Joey’s running short on escorts. That’s where I come in. Joey says I don’t have to dance perfect.

The way it works, they play this dinosaur music. Where do they find this stuff? Sinatra? We’re talking cemetery Musak. And the "Thousand And One Strings" stuff. Make me barf.

Last Saturday was my first night. Joey said the ballroom used to be called something else, but the joint got closed down on account of something that happened one night in the men’s room.

Joey almost lost his job, but then he dreamed up a new idea, the Blue Fox Room. It’s the same old shit, and all the old customers kept coming. Smart guy, Joey.

Joey gets good deals on pink balloons, and this really cheap ass pink champagne. Joey says, everybody needs a little glee, even if they’re ninety. I’m getting a little glee myself. Before this, I was slopping burritos at Taco Land. Joey saw me behind the counter and invited me to his place for drinks. He was smooth, like I said. In no time I was drunk, and letting him take me in his mouth. Weird. But hey, it felt pretty good. And Joey says I’ve got "star" power. I hope he’s right. If not, it’s back to burritos.

Anyway, I want to tell you about last Saturday night. Me and Dandruff Dan went home with Gloria. She’s cool, about eighty-six, I think. Tell you the truth, I’d be afraid to know for sure. Joey says she always makes a play for the new escorts. Last Saturday, it was me. She lives in a fucking mansion.

My stomach’s jumping. I’m thinking, oh boy, what am I gonna have to do. You know? But she was bombed on pink rotgut. She’s staggering around with a handful of those pink balloons.

Get this. Her butler lets us in, and then he brings us more pink rotgut. Joey sells it to the old women by the case. In no time, we’re in Gloria’s bedroom. She’s sacked out, and all of a sudden she’s saying, "Troy, oh Troy, please massage my feet." Hey, do I need to tell you my name is Gus? But Troy is the name Joey gave me.

What am I gonna do? I massage her fucking feet. Toenails like fucking knives. But I’m thinking, this is better than having to pump her, you know?

I rubbed the hell out of those old daggers till Gloria passed out. That was it. Out for the night, still holding those pink balloons. I drank some more pink shit, then watched porno flicks with the butler. He was kinda nasty, too, but you don’t need to know about that.

Sunday morning, I woke Gloria up and did some suck-face stuff. No big deal. And she gives me five hundred bucks. Beats the hell out of burritos.

Tonight, at the Sadie Hawkins’ dance, Joey wants me to come on strong with a new woman. June’s her name. It’s only been three months since her husband dropped dead, but Joey says she’s ready for some glee. Joey thinks I can bring her around.

See you there.

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