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A Sardine on Vacation, Episode 12
Health Utopia

To the archived articles"There seemed nothing but 'buts' in your last column," the doctor informed the Sardine.

Did I detect criticism of the League of Non-Voters from this A.M.A. flunkey?

"Actually, Mr. (the doctor coughs the name), it's my gentle way to tell you to stop smoking."

The readers might mistake him for my Pun Pal.

"It's not a joking matter," said Dr. Coughlin. "You should also stay away from alcohol and even might consider losing a few pounds."

And if I didn't....

The doctor didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Didn't I want to live a healthy life?

I like to drink and smoke.

"You can't have either."

What if I wanted both--albeit very Sardine pleasures?

The doctor wasn't prepared for anyone to question so fundamental a principle as not wanting to live a healthy life? Moreover, the Sardine added that he wasn't interested in staying alive as long as he possibly could. Dr. Kaufman couldn't have been more shaken had he been a priest hearing there was no heaven.

"Don't you realize that this is America and you have no alternative but to choose a healthy existence?

* **

Later, Father Grindgrad advised me to heed the doctor's advice.

Frank Weathers said that he jogged a couple miles at his health club three times a week. Each mile made him feel a day younger.

Joe T. went to the doctors for every sneeze and cough. He had more prescription medicine in his apartment than unused condoms.

They all asked why I couldn't have left the doctor's office without a word. Did I have to upset him? What did I know about taking care of myself?

Well, I had told the doctor to stuff his recommendations. I had only come by to get my ears cleaned out, the preparation for which seemed more extensive than a complete physical.

He wanted to call the police! He knew what was best for the Sardine. That I would be dead sooner than later.

I said that "sooner or later" didn't matter to me.

"You won't make it past seventy!"

What was so bad about dying at age sixty-five?

"That's blasphemous. My God, repent before it's too late. You could easily make eighty-five or ninety."

I didn't want to live to decrepitude. You doctors were so determined to save everyone at any time, any place. Why? Because of an oath. Words, nothing but words--unless your services were for free.

"Socialized medicine," the doctor cried as if he were being raped. "Socialized medicine."

You have no idea why you're saving people from going over the brink of life. Oh, maybe you can't stand the sight of death, the sorrows death causes, the finality of it all. I can understand that. Preserve the human species for a better day. In a wheelchair. On life support systems. I'm not saying you shouldn't. But your stinking oath takes it too far. You really want to end death. Not just cure cancer or AIDS or the flu or polio. Cure the human race of its final disease.

"I'm having my secretary call the police. You've gone too far."

* * *

"You went much too far," said Frank Weathers. "The doctor was right, trying to make you abide to a higher quality of life."

The Logged-In Public: The Sardine wants everyone to get sick and not try to get better.

I didn't want to be dependent on the health community: the fitness and diet gurus, the waistline police, pharmaceutical corporations, the cholesterol claptrappers, the nutrition nitwitticisms on the backs of barbecued potato chips and black licorice. We're living in a Health Utopia that thrives on our fear of dying.

"You know they can use your column against you in court," said Father Grindgrad.

We'll listen to anyone who offers us a few more days of living.

"And you wouldn't want to live longer," said Joe T. incredulously.

L-I P: If you had a heart attack right now, you wouldn't want us to call the paramedics or give you CPR?

I wouldn't stop you, but that's not the point....

L-I P: Case closed. You should have been locked up.

MO

"You are charged, Mr. (they coughed my name), with several counts of resisting better health, abusing the medical profession, and reckless endangerment."

Who was I endangering?

"Yourself. That is not allowed in a healthy America."

What about my rights to live the way I....

"I advise you sir, not to continue this column until you have a lawyer present."

The Sardine noticed that they had no weapons. What kind of police were they?

"Health police, sir. We only take people in to save them from themselves."

"You should have listened to your doctor," said Frank Weathers.



The Sardine's essays, articles, and stories have appeared around the Internet in the last few years at 3 A.M., Facets, Eclectica magazine, Fiction Funhouse, The Fiction Warehouse, 5_trope, and several film journals. Who and what he is probably will be revealed at various points through the articles appearing at this site. If you want to reach him, his address is popesixtus@aol.com.