To the Artist's Page               To our home page

To Ben Ohmart's previous piece     To Ben Ohmart's next piece

Your Priest Your Problems

Bless me, father, for I have sinned.
I have never confessed. I must confess,
I don't believe a lot in God, but I'm
in Real trouble, and I can't afford to
let superstitions go just because I think
I'm right.

Uh-huh.

It isn't women and it isn't money, so there
you think, there can't be anything else, 
right? If it isn't love or sex, what is it?
Have you ever been with a woman, father?

What woman?

I don't care.

What's your problem?

I don't know, but I have a void anymore. It's
something that's been there a while. But I'm 
fulfilled with women and money, so I don't 
think about them anymore. My wife's name is 
Carlie and she has great brown hair, it falls
onto her shoulders when she laughs, even if she
has it up. We have two basset hounds, one won
the New York Gardens thing. We got a dog food
commercial and some free shoes out of it. I say,
that isn't the problem.

It's this void.

Yeah! Yeah. I don't know. I can't feed it and
it won't shovel in. I can't just   chuck something
in. It's like being happy with your two arms but
the third one just has no feeling.

You're thinking it might be spiritual. That there's
a part of the Lord that needs to be with you and
you don't know how to insert it.

          No      no. I think coming to church must
be a bitch. I work very hard to supply the lubrication
today's life takes. I swallow the headaches and I
pound the sacrifice until I know the worst has past,
so I can get on with feeling good. Because I knew the
feeling good would come. All that work, I can't see
giving up one of the only two mornings a week I can
sleep in. You see?

I understand. 

It isn't that I'm lazy, or too proud or not proud 
enough, I don't know.           For instance, I 
get a lot of junk mail, and I use it to write down
phone messages or messages for Carlie or to shovel
up shit with, I'm trying to save the earth a little.

m

What did you say?

Go ahead.

Well            I think     I mean I think I'm
playing my part in society   I'm doing some good. I
don't feel guilty there, I don't Feel guilty. I don't
know about God. Do you think I need the Lord?

I think everyone Needs the Lord. It isn't a question
of what you Think, really. He's out there. He loves you.
It's up to You to come to Him for that part which is
missing.

So you really think it's being a Catholic that's missing
then? You think I need religion or God or I need to pray.

     It doesn't matter what faith you are. You have to
make your peace with Him.  You must open up -

But that's just it, I don't Have anything against Christ.
I think he's doing great. I don't find myself at odds.
Or wanting the New Testament. 

Then what's your problem?

What's this void?!! What is it! I don't understand. It's
like          I want to paint.   But I don't Want to paint!
I need and   yet

You are.

What?

I think, therefore -

Oh, yeah, yeah.                               Fuck.

The Lord forgives.

That's great.            How does it go for you?

Pardon?

Do you feel complete? Living off the donations of others.
Never Really in the outside world. Starving off sin
like it's some kind of de-humanizing     thing? You've
given your life to God. Do you have any empty holes?

I am complete.

                                            When's the last time you were with a woman, father?

       If you're not going to confess, I have hourly rates.

To the top of this page