Billy always smelled like pickled bologna, crappy colane, and crappy patchouli.
He was a homeless friend who was sleeping on my couch when I lived in Missouri. He had just hitchhiked back from Oregon.
One day my friend, not Billy, but Samantha came over to play. Billy was snoring on the couch when she came over. I was sitting in my blue robe that I hadn't washed since I got it as a Christmas gift 2 years before. Staring at the walls. We sat on the other couch and stared at him.
"He looks sort of like an overweight migrant worker that u see in the fields picking corn and shit." Samantha said.
"I always thought he looked more like one of those truckers u see coming out of a truck stop bathroom, rubbing their gut, and buckling his country western belt buckle."
I said.
Billy kept snoring, with a slight drool that would dribble down the left side of his cheek, and then slurp back up into his mouth.
Samantha and me smiled at each other, and she pulled out the toys she brought with her. We both had our own crayons; we played with her barbies for a while too. Her toys were vast and different…crack cocaine, meth am fed eeemines, angel dust, xtacy, heroin, and really good pot, and she always had a bottle of Canadian mist on her, plus she loved to fuck, she was always up for a session after playing.
But she wouldn't give me any of those things, until she made me say the magic words from jack and the bean stock, then.. We would color, then play with her dolls, and her barbies, and sometimes play a game of duck duck goose. Samantha was a wonderful human being. And once we were done playing, we would start in on the grown up games as she called them. She was one person, like no other I had ever met. I don't want to get into all that, and what happened to Samantha years later. I just want to remember this day.
"So, has he looked for a job yet?" she asked, as we both still stared at the couch guest.
"He said he had an interview at taco bell two days ago, but he never went."
I said
"Don't blame the guy."
"Ya, me neither, but we all have to work, don't we?"
"I suppose." Samantha said, adjusting her nylons.
"Will u take me to the zoo later?" I asked her.
"U love to see those monkeys swing around, don't u?"
"I guess so."
"Maybe u should quit your job at the bookstore, and get a job cleaning up animal shit at the local zoo," she said.
"Ya, maybe I should."
"Lets fuck with your couch guest."
"Ok, what u got in mind?"
"Not sure yet," Samantha said.
"I got an idea, why don't u go put on my old mall security uniform in my room. Billy has warrants out, and has broken his probation. U can pretend you're a cop who has found him, and I'll pretend I'm freaking out and shit about all the drugs all over the table?"
"Fucking perfect!" she said, kissing me.
Samantha came out of my room all dressed in the rent a cop outfit.
"Why does it smell like pickled bologna?" she asked
I could tell she was loving this, she liked sick little games.
"Ready?" I asked her, grinning.
Her big puppy dog eyes grinned back at me filled with craziness.
"Action!" I yelled.
"Don't fuking move u dirt ball smelling no job scum bag fucking drunk!" Samantha yelled perfectly.
Billy opened his eyes wide, and scared, made this weird motion with his arm to grab the blanket near his feet.
I just kept going.. " Shit man, shit man! They found us! Shit man," rubbing my hand through my hair, pacing around.
"Don't move a muscle grease ball!" Samantha yelled, pointing my 45 at him.
Billy looked at me in a panic as I paced around mumbling,, "drugs, no, drugs, yes, no, ummm,. living in a wiggly world."
He tried to speak, but it was more like a stunned grunt, "Gurgahwha," as I saw piss filling his boxers and getting all over my garbage picked couch.
"You are both going to fucking jail!" Samantha yelled.
Billy started scratching his sleepy head real quick like, probably wondering if he was having some horrible nightmare.
Then Samantha and me couldn't hold it in any longer, we looked at each and just started busting up with laughter.
"You pissed on my fucking couch u idiot!" I said, still laughing.
"Bloop, bloop, blooop! " Samantha screamed, still laughing.
Billy still didn't seem to know what was going on. He kept making all these strange motions with his hands, like he wanted to grab the blanket still, or cover himself up.
"Come on Billy, lets get u cleaned up," Samantha said, helping him up off the couch.
She led him to my bathroom, and I poked him in his belly with my finger, as they passed, still laughing.
"What the fuk is going on?" he mumbled, half smiling himself now.
Samantha took him in my bathroom, and pulled off his pissed in boxers, wiped off his main vein, and started sucking on his dick.. Billy looked over at me, still stunned. I lit a cigarette, my mood changing.
"This is my friend, her name is Samantha," I told Billy, as he looked down at her, still stunned.
Billy was speechless.
"We still going to the zoo Samantha?" I asked.
"Gurgle, no, gurgle, no, u go aheadz." She smuckered.
"Hey Billy, tonight, we got to go garbage pick a new couch, u owe me one, asshole, I'm going to the zoo, u kids have fun," I said, giving Billy the thumbs up. He still looked a little scared, but looked pleased I was going away.
I drove to the zoo in my blue robe. It started Raining out, but the zoo was still open. I stared at the monkeys swinging around. I looked at some guy cleaning huge elephant turds to my right. But mostly I just stared at the monkeys, and through them peanuts. I bet Billy was feeling ok right about now I thought, as the rain came down harder and harder. I pulled a Barbie doll out of my Robe pocket, and through it in the monkey's cage.
This story Copyright 2001 Nicholas Morgan.
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