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the men who don't
know me are the
ones who adore
me most. They
are sure I am
what they are
reading, elusive
but leaving
enough clues to
let them shape
me as they
wish: I'm clay
and air, their
own secret
confession
I was there in
such un-sexy flannel
pajamas, moping,
certainly not expecting
the last one I felt
my arms ache for,
bikinis moisten,
would suddenly be in
my rooms. I say
my rooms but they be-
long to someone
missing for the next
few days. Not
likely to return un-
expected but for
someone who hasn't
wanted anyone, it
seemed a risk to take.
Nothing was simple
of course. A box
from somewhere was
leaking out against
the floor boards,
almost disguised. I
knew I should do
something but except
for placing a few
towels on what might
as well have been
blood or worse,
it hardly mattered. I
haven't felt anything for
so long and while this
man seems a mix
of others, I think he's
the one from the
velvet couch. I don't
know what to put
on after I shower,
flannel doesn't seem
right. Better come
wrapped in a towel,
clear and sweet
as it could be
fog that makes even the
houses across the street
invisible? You want the
day to blur like slinking
back under a quilt. Haven't
you wanted the world to
go away? It's not enough
tangerine blossoms perfume
the house. You want no
outlines, nothing sure
except how nothing is.
Aren't there days wild
sun is just depressing?
It's what an ex-con said
about life in Big Sur, a dark
storm was luxury. In the
fog, what's stained or
lined or old is muted like
an out of focus print,
like any pentimento it lets
what was almost surface
Lyn Lifshin's recent prizewinning book, Before It's Light, was published winter 1999-2000 by Black Sparrow press, following their publication of Cold Comfort in 1997. Another Woman Who Looks Like Me is currently available from Black Sparrow-David Godine. Her poems have appeared in most literary and poetry magazines and she is the subject of an award winning documentary film, Lyn Lifshin: Not Made of Glass available from Women Make Movies. For more information, her web site is www.lynlifshin.com.