"Childhood Fantasies," "Good Parenting," and "Nigga I Am"

Childhood Fantasies

 


Hear the author read "Childhood Fantasies" at Crescent City Books, New Orleans
or watch her on YouTube

 

I heard 2 shots in my neighborhood today
now none of my friends want to come out and play.
I said I hard 2 shots in my neighborhood today
and now none of my friends want to come out and play.

 

Why didn't you come outside today?

 

I came home from school and went straight to my room
and locked the door behind me.
I thought maybe today I'll try a new place
and hopefully he won't find me.
And I daydreamed for hours of peppermint flavored clouds
and me and all my friends shoving candy in our mouths
and my Daddy was there
and he sat me on his knee
and said “I love you baby girl and if I could I would give you the world”
and then my fantasy was interrupted by my reality
and I heard him calling me
“Baby girl, open the door.”
“Baby girl, open the door!”
and I heard the sound of my door hitting the floor.
But I even dreamed of a beautiful pink dress
only fit for Daddy's little princess.
And daddy covered me in candy coated kisses
And touched me in placed not meant for Daddy's little princess.
Sometimes I just wish that I could hide in my fantasy forever
And my daddy not be there.

 

Does your head hang low
With your knees placed on the floor?
Do you tell your broken heart
I won’t suffer any more?
Does your soul cry loud
So the angels hear your cries?
Do you need a new place to hide?

 

And what about you?

 

I woke up for school and put on my favorite outfit,
But when I got there all the kids made fun of it.
They called me fairy and queer,
But I just ignored it.
And I daydreamed I was in a beautiful white dress
And all the people in my kingdom
They called me empress.
And I was laced in beautiful jewels
And that's all I could think of on my way home from school.
Until my knees buckled,
And I hit the ground.
All I remember was this really loud sound
And boys screaming faggot and queer.
And feet bashing me in the head
And blood flowing out in a stream.
But in my fantasy my servants
Served me ice cream with a strawberry glaze.
And they told me that today finally I could stay.
Now I never have to leave my fantasy again.

 

Does your head hang low
With your knees placed on the floor?
Do you tell your broken heart
I wont suffer any more?
Does your soul cry loud
So the angels hear your cries?
Do you need a new place to hide?

 

Listen,
Every time we point a finger, we have 3 pointing back,
No one is perfect.
Let there be no more judgment
No more alienation
No more hatred
Just stop kneel and say thank you
He's already heard your cries.

 


 

Good Parenting

 

I'm sorry momma
but look what I've done.
I don't think I'll be able to see the rising sun.

I'm sorry father
but look what I've done.
Where were you when I found the trigger to this gun.

 

I'm sorry momma.

I stood behind you
and carved pictures into my skin.
I was a new age DaVinci.
Depression commissioned my art
and my body became its gallery to host for your attention.
Now you have the nerve to blame my actions on rap music and Marilyn Manson
when I'm a product of my environment
and it took you years to notice a change.
All the while I used long sleeves and white lies to cover up my shame
and you sold tickets to the public
to entertain your ideas of me.
Entitling your exhibition
The Art of Good Parenting.
When in reality it should have been entitled
A Distant Lover.
Now in all your fabrications
can you find me mother
Now that it matters
will you take the time out to truly know you daughter.

 

I'm sorry momma
but look what I've done.
I don't think I'll be able to see the rising sun.

I'm sorry father
but look what I've done.
Where were you when I found the trigger to this gun.

 

I'm sorry father

I searched for you
thinking that you'd be proud that I carried your name.
Never found you
found something similar
yet not quite the same.
Reminiscent of you
cocked back and violent
quick to take aim.
This must be the definition of a man
so I am proud that I carry your name.
And just like you found my mother
I found my new target.
Lil' dude looked at me stupid
now he's gotta pay for it.
And just like you showed me daddy
I got cocked back and violent
aimed straight for his dome
I wanna make you proud father
now will you come home?

 

I'm sorry momma
but look what I've done.
I don't think I'll be able to see the rising sun.

I'm sorry father
but look what I've done.
Where were you when I found the trigger to this gun.

 


 

Nigga I Am

 

Among all things he has come to be
In denial of the reflection of he
A slave to his own insecurities,
Restricted by his own boundaries,
A “Paganish” fool.
Separating the image of God
To accommodate mortal views.
Lost in sin
And divided at the core.
Rejecting the existence
Of Life's true lore.
The perfect picture of positivity
Split into two.
Now negativity prevails
With flawless precision
Severing the spirit from the root.
By law two negatives can never fuse,
Leaving only the option for potential growth
Or the chance to refuse
Divine intervention,
With an intention of a holistic method to heal.
Mind body and spirit turned against one
Humanity left to the surreal.
Left to their demise
But despite the burning rope
He continues to hold his ties.
Walking around singing of
Strange fruit hanging from the trees.
So caught up in Life's melody
That he's forgotten to breathe.
Holding in all toxins.
Choking on severed pieces of his soul.
Purging positivity
So that pain can take control.
Lies bore holes through his teeth.
Flowing out tainting the earth
Allowing deception to reside
Where God's heart used to beat.
Rewording the definition of
How to be a man.
Sculpting man's image
With an unsteady hand.
Filling in the gaps with
Platinum and gold.
Strutting around with a cheap swagger
Swearing he's in control.
Spitting diamond encrusted lies
With a princess cut.
Screaming out to the heavens
“I just don't give a fuck! People will know me ocean to land! I more than a man,
A Nigga I am!”

 

 

Alex “PoeticSoul” Johnson is a spoken word artist living in Lafayette, Louisiana. She was a featured artist on “Englewood You Got Served” and has performed for venues such as 100,000 Poets for Change, Acadiana Center for the Arts, Festival International, Destiny of Faith Christian Center, and Festival of Words. She runs Lyrically Inclined, a Louisiana-based events organization. She has taught spoken word for Lafayette Parish Juvenile Detention Center, Volunteers of America, and Project S.O.U.N.D. and has spoken to classrooms in Lafayette and St .Landry Parishes about the power of writing.

 

Edited for Unlikely by Rosalyn Spencer, #BlackArtMatters Guest Editor
Last revised on Thursday, September 1, 2016 - 17:35