There's been some talk lately about certain liberal men's desire to "hate-fuck" FOX News's teeming stable of tasty blonde anchors. Frankly, it's despicable. Political convictions aside—whether you're liberal or conservative, libertarian or socialist—the fact is, these women are human beings who deserve our respect, and also to be fucked with love and compassion, not hate. Indeed, I can assure you that, whatever impression they may give off on television, these "FOXy" ladies possess gentle, magnanimous souls at heart. It's also important to note for the record—the fair and balanced record—that each and every one of these accomplished women prefers slow, rhythmic lovemaking to the boorish, cervix-spiking hate-fucking many so-called liberals feel they deserve.
How do I know this? Well, I have first-hand evidence, if you catch my drift... my drift being that I have personally fucked each of them. I'm not bragging; I'm simply stating a fact, like they do on FOX News. And lest you dismiss these women merely as empty-headed "skirts"—as pretty faces with communications degrees from fourth-tier southern universities and little to no journalism experience, who, by bloviating from atop their ill-gotten soapboxes, prey upon the fears and insecurities of their impressionable audience simply to cause a stir and garner ratings, no matter how minimal or truthful the evidence or how dangerous the consequences—well, I am here to put that notion to rest once and for all. Herewith, a brief inventory of the myriad talents and accomplishments of a few of FOX's venerable broadcast journalists, all of whom, I remind you, I have fucked:
Megyn Kelly — This former head cheerleader may talk a big anti-immigration game, but her dirty little secret is that she harbors a soft spot for people of color, so much so that she invited a first-generation Mexican-American—a bangin' little señorita from Flagstaff—to join us for our last threesome. ¡Muy caliente, Megyn!
Gretchen Carlson — First of all, great rack. You wouldn't guess it from how she looks on TV, but trust me on this one: gravity, like evolution, has not yet taken hold with this 44-year-old idealoguette. Plus, Gretchen is a Stanford grad and former Miss America, so you know she's as sharp as she is blond. Last but certainly not least, Gretchen's childhood nanny was Michelle Bachmann, so you can rest assured that her stance on the estate tax isn't the result of substance-induced experimentation in college; it was a value instilled when Gretchen was but a wee tow-headed McGovern-hater. (N.B. That affair Gretchen had with a colleague in the '90s? He was married, not she, so technically she didn't commit adultery.)
Courtney Friel — Her field reporting for Extra and the World Poker Tour proved she had chops, but it was Courtney's Maxim spread that cemented her status as a serious blond journalist. In the bedroom, it's Courtney's preternaturally-skilled tongue that makes her a star; lesbos, especially, would love this San Diego State alumna. (Just don't fall in love and try to marry her, ladies—that's illegal!)
Ainsley Earhardt — Her roseate lips, lissome hips, and drape-matching carpet are nothing compared to her encyclopedic knowledge of supply-side economics and Second Amendment rights. Ainsley is a true Renaissance woman—the most erudite blonde I've ever gently fucked.
Alisyn Camerota — She may spell her name like a pretentious liberal elitist, but Alisyn is as American as an episode of Fox & Friends Weekend. Oh, and that urban myth about how to spot a natural blonde? It's true—they do talk trickle-down economics in their sleep.
Martha MacCallum — I met this 46-year-old mother of three at Rush's big birthday bash earlier this year. Let me just say: total cougar. Unlike so many of the grad students I keep meeting, Martha actually appreciates the tender caresses and susurrus sighs that remain the hallmarks of true lovemaking. She makes love the way criminals get treated by liberals: softly, and getting off multiple times.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck — Not on FOX, but included here because she meets the other criteria: blonde, on TV, just left of Goebbels on the political spectrum, and prefers to be fucked sweetly, softly, and tenderly.
Rachel Maddow — Just kidding.
Michael Wolman has had humor published or forthcoming in Defenestration, The Big Jewel, Grin & Tonic, and the SN Review. Like 57% of the nation's white male writers between 22 and 38, he lives in Brooklyn.
5 ***** for this awesome, enlightening piece. I will view these foxy ladies with a new perspective and respect for their "talents," and with a similarly new regard for my close kin's "talents" as well.